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hello i am fat

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dinner bell

I've noticed for the past week or so, that I haven't been in the mood for eating lunch. I could drink a diet coke and be perfectly satisfied. Wow, I thought. Maybe I'm getting my appetite under control. Maybe I am learning to really understand the signs of hunger, and pay attention to my body's needs and wants, instead of my emotional cravings.

I was really proud of myself until I realized I wasn't hungry because I've been snacking on Halloween candy non-stop from nine to five. And I didn't even notice.

This is not particularly shocking - one of the things I hate about being on a diet kind of plan is being mindful of what is going in my mouth, and one of the other things I hate is the very first day of a the kind of a diet that includes all the requisite "food journaling" and busily doing my food journalling and realizing, as I think really hard about what I've eaten that whole day, and writing it all down and the list gets longer as I remember "three bites of cold pizza" and "two hershey's kisses" and "part of a pastry" and the mayonaisse on my sandwich not to mention the cheese, that it adds up. Every bit I put in my mouth, mindfully and not, adds up.

Did I mention how unfair that is?

That's always the biggest change I have to make, mentally and emotionally - remembering that it adds up, and trying to find ways to make it add up to something good for me and satisfying. It's what's been stopping me from actually committing to any kind of diet, this sense that I can't switch over from eat what I want mode to eat what I need with a soupcon of what I want mode. I sit around, waiting for the switch to be flicked, while I eat yet another chocolate eyeball and think about how unappetizing the pasta I brought from home sounds for lunch.

Mm, chocolate eyeballs. With stuff in.

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