or not
Seriously, though - I have been overweight for forever and also another day past that. I have been struggling for just as long to not be. To not feel uncomfortable in my body, ugly in my skin and under it. It is deeply unpleasant to not be able to move the way you feel like you're supposed to move, to look the way you know you're supposed to look. You see your face in the mirror and yourself in your head and you are convinced that you are so very cute, and you are always astonished to see that it is not the case, it is not the truth, when the pictures from the wedding or the party come back, when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror, your reflection in a store window. And you hate it, and you hate yourself, and this dissonance - the way your outside lies about who you are. Because it's lying. You are not that fat person, because in that moment of shock, you know how everyone knows fat people are unpleasant people, sweaty people who dress ridiculously and have no self control, who are affronts to aesthetics. And you hate it.
And you'd think that would make it easier. You don't like it? Knock it the fuck off. Eat a grapefruit instead of chocolate - that is a brilliant plan and I have just lost thirteen pounds in my head, having simply accepted the way, the truth and the light.
Can I tell you that it's not that easy? That you can cut go to the cafeteria and walk past the taco stand and the sandwich stand and the pot of chili and the plates of cake and make yourself a salad on which you do not even put fucking cheese, for god's sake, because that is just how goddamn good you are (and can I tell you how much I hate how moral values are assigned to fat and thin, to food, to our foodchoices? Remind me to tell you some time) and you gnaw on your leaves and your beans and your goddamn dry chicken breast and you are overcome - overfucking come by how goddamn unfair it is.
How completely unfair it is that you are not eating a grilled cheese sandwich like every other person, you think, in the whole goddamn world, because everyone else is eating grilled cheese, they really are, and you are not and you never will again, if you ever want to be attractive, if you ever want to please god stop feeling like the first thing you say to someone, in that silent split second of first impression, is hello, I am fat.
I have gone on diets and off. I have lost the same thirty five pounds over and over - up to 250, down to 215, bounce, bounce, bounce. Through weight watchers, usually, but one really brilliant time, through this really cool anxiety disorder that made it impossible to eat because my stomach was so knotted. Bam, thirty five pounds gone like that. It was awful and unpleasant and I subsisted on cigarettes and caramel macchiatos from Starbucks and I was miserable, but when my pants started falling off and I was fitting into normal girl clothes at normal girl stores - that kind of ruled.
That's the kind of mentality I'm dealing with. I want magic. I want instant solution, I want to eat cake and watch DVDs and not be fat any more. I want to stop thinking like that.
I've been able to ignore the fact that I'm on an upswing, that I'm back up to the very top of the cycle until recently, when my cute clothes have finally all ceased to fit, my pants are tight to the point of unwearable and I cannot afford new clothes, I can not, and I came face to face with one of those terrible and shocking holy fuck kinds of pictures.
I need to do something. I'm still figuring out what I'm going to do. This blog will probably become a whatever it is diet I'm going on kind of blog, but right now it's a place for me to stay mindful, to think about what I'm eating and talk about body issues and rant and cry and feel sorry for myself. Because I need to start somewhere. And I need to get back into those goddamn pants.
And you'd think that would make it easier. You don't like it? Knock it the fuck off. Eat a grapefruit instead of chocolate - that is a brilliant plan and I have just lost thirteen pounds in my head, having simply accepted the way, the truth and the light.
Can I tell you that it's not that easy? That you can cut go to the cafeteria and walk past the taco stand and the sandwich stand and the pot of chili and the plates of cake and make yourself a salad on which you do not even put fucking cheese, for god's sake, because that is just how goddamn good you are (and can I tell you how much I hate how moral values are assigned to fat and thin, to food, to our foodchoices? Remind me to tell you some time) and you gnaw on your leaves and your beans and your goddamn dry chicken breast and you are overcome - overfucking come by how goddamn unfair it is.
How completely unfair it is that you are not eating a grilled cheese sandwich like every other person, you think, in the whole goddamn world, because everyone else is eating grilled cheese, they really are, and you are not and you never will again, if you ever want to be attractive, if you ever want to please god stop feeling like the first thing you say to someone, in that silent split second of first impression, is hello, I am fat.
I have gone on diets and off. I have lost the same thirty five pounds over and over - up to 250, down to 215, bounce, bounce, bounce. Through weight watchers, usually, but one really brilliant time, through this really cool anxiety disorder that made it impossible to eat because my stomach was so knotted. Bam, thirty five pounds gone like that. It was awful and unpleasant and I subsisted on cigarettes and caramel macchiatos from Starbucks and I was miserable, but when my pants started falling off and I was fitting into normal girl clothes at normal girl stores - that kind of ruled.
That's the kind of mentality I'm dealing with. I want magic. I want instant solution, I want to eat cake and watch DVDs and not be fat any more. I want to stop thinking like that.
I've been able to ignore the fact that I'm on an upswing, that I'm back up to the very top of the cycle until recently, when my cute clothes have finally all ceased to fit, my pants are tight to the point of unwearable and I cannot afford new clothes, I can not, and I came face to face with one of those terrible and shocking holy fuck kinds of pictures.
I need to do something. I'm still figuring out what I'm going to do. This blog will probably become a whatever it is diet I'm going on kind of blog, but right now it's a place for me to stay mindful, to think about what I'm eating and talk about body issues and rant and cry and feel sorry for myself. Because I need to start somewhere. And I need to get back into those goddamn pants.
This entry was posted by anne, on
Monday, October 25, 2004.
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nice explanation. i like your blog even though you dont want to call it a blog. have a good weekend, inky
i am over weight also. i am 5ft. 7 inches tall and weigh 225-230 pounds depending on what day it is. iwent on a diet again last year and got down t0 205. that lasted for a couple of months. i was hoping to visits my parents this june and be under 200 but it is not to be. i guess they and every one will have to love me like i am . i hope you can loose if you want but if you do not then life will go on. if the people like or love you for you then they will look past the weight and see the real you. good luck to you and have a great day.
You read my mind.
I look in the mirror and see myself as I was at age 21, living on cigarettes and coffee and wearing a size 4. I don't see myself creeping up on 30 and asking my mom for size 12 hand-me-downs because I can't afford to go shopping and I can't fit into anything cute anymore.
I, too, want instant skinny.
I hate to exercise and I hate all of the emotional weight attatched to every single thing I eat.
I want to eat what I like and not get fatter. Or, I want the willpower to stop eating everything that is making me fat.
I caught a reflection of myself walking up a flight of stairs. It was head on; a full-length shot because I was walking towards the glass doors of an office building.
It's easy to see yourself as cute when you are only looking at yourself from the waist up. It's not see easy when you see what I saw.
I applaud your honesty. I would love to say that you have inspired me - at this point, though, you've only inspired me to be honest with myself.
And, in that honesty, I know that it's not yet enough to motivate me to move, or to refuse a donut, or to pretend that plate of cookies isn't staring me down, or stop eating french fries four times a week, or...
Or maybe it might.
You get it.
Somehow you've put into words what I feel, what I see, what I hide. I'm the skinny girl who had trouble finding belts to fit. I'm the carefree twenty-year old with perky boobs and no real-world stress. I'm the rocker chick with the oh-so-mini miniskirts.
That's can't possibly be me in that picture/mirror/window. That can't possibly be me in the size 22 anything.
At least I'm not alone.
you have such a gift. your writing is roiling and rolicking and so so funny. without wanting to offend i must comment that i hope you are working on other projects and not just this blog, which, though great, is a BLOG, and therefore narcissistic/solipsistic and isn't there a sickening number of them now anyway? look at these other comments! why, those could be glowing reviews by the times book review instead of the weepy, self-indulgent corroborations of the pains of weight that they are! how about a novel? short stories? so who cares if you're plump? you're majorly talented. lucky you! move on. eat more nuts & seeds and keep honing your considerable talents. skinny people should be so lucky.
WOW. I too know the pain of watching the rest of the world eating grilled cheese sandwiches which I gag down my cottage cheese and salad for lunch. I am also thirty something and feel like I'll never get back into those skinny pants. I absolutely love this blog. Your honesty is refreshing.
This post was great. I can't relate in the same way that many of these commenters do. I am what you would call "normal." I am the one you hate because I can eat grilled cheese. But I still hate myself. Its not about the size you know, its how we look at ourselves and compare them to the other people. And we allow ourselves to HATE. Hate them, hate us, hate and hate and hate. What a poisonous emotion. It takes over, and leaves me with less than i had. Learning to love yourself and myself is the solution to these problems, and we'll both eat that grilled cheese and not hate ourselves later.
Hey you... I stumbled onto this, let's not say blog, let's say web-based primal scream- because i typed the phrase "i am fat and miserable" into google. Thanks for writing this to remind us that it's not just us. I'm so not used to being fat. I gained the freshman 15, then the grad school 15, and haven't been able to make a dent in either of them. I have so much energy and joy that crashes headfirst into the fat, dull creature in the mirror. I want to be dancing and lauging 24 hours a day, but it just doesn't happen. Not when I compare myself to the cute, slim girls that I wish I could be. So much good luck and good wishes to you. Thanks for putting it out there.
What a great post. I was just looking in the mirror and grabbing at all the extra puffy stuff. I've been up and down on a slow rollercoaster, and now I'm just trying to get healthy.
I love your "web-based primal scream" (aka "blog"). I found it as a result of Googling "I am fat". I agree with one of the previous comments made: the "fat experience is truly universal". My weight fluctuates between 165 pounds (my normal healthy weight) and 198 pounds which it is at the moment - so basically I am wearing at least 3 different dress sizes over a period of 12 months. I'm 30-something and I'm sick of this rollercoaster ride. However, I've realised (finally) that it's not about the WEIGHT and it's not about the FOOD. It's about learning to deal with crises and emotional disturbances in a healthy manner - instead of using food to self-medicate and anaesthetise how I am feeling. I use food like others use alcohol and illicit drugs to combat their emotional demons. But, hey... like the book says: LIFE IS HARD, FOOD IS EASY!
Thank You!
I just started blogging about this same thing, and I guess for some reason I thought that I was the only person who felt that way about myself. I hope that I can be as honest about things in my my blog as you are in yours. Thanks again!
beautifully and honestly said...i totally get it.
(found you via I am running out of lifetimes
Randomly found your blog. You are truly a gorgeous writer. I read blogs all the time, and seriously, you are a gifted, gifted writer.
good luck losing the weight i am 12 years old and 5 ft 1 and 303lbs.
You write really well. Thanks for being so honest with how you see things... and espectially for seeing the humor. I'll definitely be reading you regularly.
I also found this blog/not a blog by typing into google " I can believe how fat I've gotten ". You have taken my exact feelings and put them into words. I dont feel so alone. I am also amazed to see the pictures. Amazed and revolted. But I'm going back for hopefully my last attempt to loose weight and keep it off. I hope soon to be able to relate to your feelings of throwing away the old fat clothes!
Being overweight is not understood by people who don't have to deal with it. They do NOT understand what it's like, and how hard it is to face yourself every morning in the mirror. That person in the mirror cannot possibly be me. Don't know what to do
Read this, there are many good ideas how to lose unwanted weight:
http://healtyblog.blogspot.com/
http://proactolblog.blogspot.com/2008/02/how-you-burn-fat-through-weight.html
how do i loose weight.. i'm 12 and weigh 163 pounds
Brilliant
I'm not overweight, but I somehow got to here from Google.
I always do think "Why do overweight people always complain about how they look and even though they hate it, they keep eating..I don't get it" but now I do.
However, I just wanted you to know that most skinny people aren't skinny because they were born that way (especially adults)-- they exercise, and they, too, refuse to have that grilled cheese sandwich, instead opting for a salad with no dressing. They exercise while wanting an instant weight loss solution as well, so they can watch DVDs while eating buckets of ice cream. Thin people and overweight people aren't that much different.
I'm 5' 3" and 125lbs. I watch what I eat and limit my calorie intake to a small 13-1400 a day. I exercise 4 times a week.
5"4 and 135 pounds.
Huge: arms, Stomach, Hips, and Thigs.
Hello. I need some help, maybe you are the right person to ask. Atleast I hope so. Well, let me start...
I am 12 years old. Im in 7th grade. Youngest out of all my friends. I look around and see girls and guys who are so skinny. How do they do it?? I do not know what i am doing wrong! I excersize so much, and I am in great shape.
I eat very healthy and I dont know when the last time I had fast food was. I feel super uncomfertable in tight clothes since my hips are majorly sticking out. What do I do in the Summer time when its time to wear a bikini? I am a size 7 in pants and probably a medium at like Hollister [with my fat hanging out of the clothes.] I hate this and cant stand it!!! If you can respond back that would be a big help.
Anonymous, you are breaking my heart because YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG.
Mo Pie, of big fat deal, has some wonderful advice for you, and her comments will also have some great advice from some very smart women. I hope this helps:
http://www.bfdblog.com/2008/06/06/12-year-old-asks-what-shes-doing-wrong/
if you can't see that link, try this one:
http://tinyurl.com/6pueg9
To the 5'3", 125 lb. anonymous person that watches what she eats and exercises 4x a week - I am also 5'3" but I weigh 214 lbs. I walk 2 miles (briskly) 7 days a week AND I watch what I eat, limiting myself to 1,500 to 1,600 calories a day (which is what was recommended by www.thedailyplate.com for my height and weight). EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT and it's not fair to say "if you would just do this or just do that, you can be like me". Giving up grilled cheese for salad without dressing and just about everything else does not a skinny person make. It might help a skinny person maintain, but that's about it. We are not alike - since you are overweight you have no idea and have no business trying.
hey,
i just found your blog thru some other blogs. While i realise that i am not necessarily overweight, my issue is with the general body image perception that we all have of ourselves. Why is it so hard to just love our bodies, even if it is only a little bit. Why is there so much guilt associated with eating an extra cookie or an extra glass of milo. I am 127lbs and 5"8 and a 1/2 but for the past 5 years I have been going from 121lbs to 127lbs on a pretty much monthly basis because i am not satisfied with how i feel about my body and how most of my weight is around my bum and my thighs. I just wish body love and acceptance and beauty at any size was a more publicised issues rather than focusing on an unachievable ideal of skinniness.
Beautiful.
Thank you for typing out my thoughts. I cried as I read- I really felt like someone broke into my brain and put my thoughts in writing.
Am I ever glad I came across this post.
i also googled 'fat and miserable'. i'm in westafrica, puzzling how u explained a black teenage girls feelings so well! its fascinating to see how universal 'fat' is. well u've definately made me feel less alone. thanks.
Wow, everything you said is so powerful. I can relate.
But you know? I might have never met you, never seen you, not know a thing about you. But from reading your entries, I see what an amazing writer you are, how articulate you can be, and how you can sway your audience and make them understand you and I think that makes you a really beautiful person.
I say, fuck it. Fuck society and their goddamn ideals. You deserve better, don't be a victim of superficial beauty, because I know you're intellect shows me something greater, something brighter. And I truly admire that.
Best of luck, and smile from the heart <33
lol i googeled im fat and miserable and i get this blog. i went form 184 to 130lbs held it off for 7 yrs. had a baby , bad marrigae, and got addicted to food again.wait till your 40 with the same issue on weight and then your tits sag on your stomach! the discust gets better. its nice to know im not the only one out here that is battlingwith thier self and weight
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Happy Holidays!
Erica G
Somtimes, I wonder if it is the weight that makes me miserable or the constant wanting to make it better or trying to loose it. I have also tried weight watchers... it worked however it took my 18 months to gain it all back. I just started working out of the home after being home for almost 10 years,.. I thought it would get better however, it got worse... I love my teacher assistant however, she keeps trying to give me tips or hints.. on how to loose weight... I really don't appreciate it and it only makes me feel worse because now I am rebelling.... wow... this really has helped me vent a little bit. Ofcourse I would like to loose weight so I feel better and I am not so self conscious... I work in the school district in the elementary... did you realize that all the mirrors are ass level... all day I get to see my worse feature. You would think that would have made a difference however, it has not....I just don't look now. I would just feel better if 40 pounds just melted away however, it saved a little for my chest haha ... I tell my husband I had to gain 40pounds to fit into a "B" cup...
My boys are also gaining some weight and I am so afraid it is my fault... I have been encourageing better snacks and keeping the crap out of our house. Great more guilt on my part.
I'm actually surprised to see how many people type in to Google "fat and miserable". I am laying here this morning thinking about how beautiful it is outside and all the things I could/should do with my family, but I am so embarrassed to be seen this way. 35, 5'5 and almost 200 lbs. I have 4 kids and this is the biggest I have ever been. Last summer I was down to 148 at my lowest and I have gained so fast I have no clothes and no money to buy any that fit. This is the first time I have ever felt totally isolated in my fear. I have never expressed my concerns to anyone outside of my husband and mother. My family loves me no matter what... I hate myself and that doesn't change easily. I don't even look in mirrors anymore. and to top it off my hair looks bad. I have always been able to sorta pull it off by having cute hair, but now the entire package is flawed. I live on an air force base where the men are fit and the woman are HIGHLY judgmental. I just stay inside... I don't want pity I just needed to get it out so hopefully I can start to get over it and get my self together.
You nailed me right down to the anxiety driven famine.
My high school nickname was "stick" because I was tall and lanky.
Not so much anymore...
"primal scream" what a great way to describe my main use of google! I also got here by googing "I'm fat and miserable". its like google (or whatever search engine) is somesort of void into the universe where we can shout our desperation. I completly agree with what you said about how morality is tied to fitness, like no matter how hard I work in college, or how much time i spend volunteering, or how much my social desperation pushes me into being a superfriend to everyone, it is all overshadowed by this "huge" personal and moral failure that negates any efforts I make to be a good person. I think it all goes to visibility, I mean my personal flaws and struggles are obvious, in your face, out for the whole world to see, in the form of fat. That skinny anonymous biatch that posted her snide condescending little diatribe might be addicted to gambling or have no empathy or be a compulsive liar or whatever but its not like she has to wear a t-shirt at all times declaring to the world!
Why is it, that in everything I do or think, that the fact that I'm fat - grossly fat - overshadows everything. People say you have to love yourself, are you kidding? I hate myself, always have. How can you love something that has failed you so completely? I eat healthy, love veggies, think about every bite that goes in my mouth, and weigh 250 plus. I say "plus" because I really don't know. I even, in complete desperation went to my doctor and she prescreibed Phentermine to help get my mind on something other than food and loose some weight. As I just can't I work hard to just stay this fat, as if I blink, I know I'll be 400 lbs before you know it. So after a 6 weeks of headaches and not eating and feeling like my clothes were bagging, I went to the doctor... the skinny bitch looked at the scale and said "about the same" WHAT!!! ARE You kidding? I died inside again. Nothing works. Nothing. My mom weighes about 400, my sister is shorter than I and we both wear a size 20, so she probably weighs as much. Love your self are you kidding???
If I think about it too much I just cry... it consumes everything and I feel so helpless and hopeless.
Kick ass entry! Brilliant. Be the diva you and fuck em all.
i never comment on anything, but i am self-involved enough to want to put in my two cents... i have had weight issues since i was a kid, maybe 7 or so. as long as i can remember. at 5'8', my highest weight was 190, my lowest 124 (thanks eating disorders!) and i have been happiest around 135. Lately I've put on a bunch of weight and am around 150. What i live about this blog is how you and everyone who comments seems to feel the exact same way, regardless of specifics. i also googled "i am so fat". maybe it doesn't matter how much i weigh so much? i wish i could believe that...
Exactly. What's so embarrassing and degrading is the shock. The shock when I look in the mirror sometimes and realize that the person in the mirror is not who I am, it doesn't match my personality. It's just gross. A HUGE liar, you're totally right. I do think of myself as a good person, and sometimes I think I'm beautiful. Then there's a ridiculously bad picture you see one day and it all comes crashing down. "Holy crap how did i get this fat?" is what you think. Then you go and consult Food and see what he thinks.
Love it. So true. Weight is such an issue with me I feel like I am driving my children crazy......it's very depressing when all of your close friends are thin. I am 180 5'5 . Everyday I say I will watch what i eat and then during the day I give up and at night I get depressed. The never ending cycle.
I'm 5'6", and I've been fat (over 200 lb) and I'm now very slim (115), and yeah, skinny is better. I still deal with the self-loathing feelings, the really deep ones that have nothing to do with weight. But at least when I look in the mirror, I get a little joy thinking, how cool, I'm fooling the world. They don't know I'm really fat, 'cause I'm disguised as a slim woman.
What still sux is that to maintain this weight, I eat almost nothing, which I grieve because (obviously) I love food. I compensate, sublimate my desire to eat everything in sight by instead eating very small amounts of fabulous food. I also spend a lot of time looking at rich dessert recipes on the web - my food porn.
To those of you still fat, I hope you will lose and maintain so you will have some of the joys of being thin, but remember, to maintain a thin weight, you must accept being very hungry every just about every minute of every day for the rest of your life.
But it's still worth it for me, especially since I tore my knee ACL as a teenager, and now, at age 48, if I were overweight, I think I'd be unable to walk much at all. I suppose that's the real drive that keeps me thin. Walking is very convenient! I don't want to lose my ability to walk.
Hi...well expressed. Your comments have actually brought a tear to my eyes. I have been overweight, no FAT!, eversince I can remember. I am lucky to say it hasn't affected my life from the 'outside,' but oh, what a different story from the inside. I am now 45 and as a child I honestly can't remember feeling alot different from those around me. However, slowly but surely the years and pounds have crept on and I am now 20 stone. As i write that number I can't believe it. I have 2 stunning sisters who are both a size 10. How I yearn to not be the black sheep in the family. I am convinced that when people meet me all they see is fat and don't take you seriously.It's like you don't exist. I am married to a wonderful husband who seems to love me for what I am. But there is no doubt it has affected our social life in a huge way as I have absolutely no confidence in a room full of new people. I just want to hide away in the corner. My sisters are wonderful and we are very close but I know they worry about my health. Which leads me to the other day I was wondering, am I more obsessed about losing weight for my heslth or purely for aesthetic reasons?
I guess as I get older the stress I am putting on my heart becomes a worry as I now realsie that if I don;t lose weight, will I not see my beautiful daughter grow up? But, as much of a worry this is, the simple thought of buying clothes in a 'normal' shop fills me with happiness. I have grown to believe that should I lose weight, my problems would be solved. Ridiculous! But that's the way it is.
I hate myself in every way and then feel guilty because I know there are people who have real problems that cannot be solved by simply eating less.
I set myself a dealine every year that I will NOT go on holiday this year looking the way I do or panic about not being able to fasten the seatbelt on the aeroplane.
I hit a real all time low a few weeks ago when my husband treated me to the theatre to see Phantom of the Opera. This has been a dream of mine for the last 20 years. Anyway, I could barely fit in the theatre chair and I take this opportunity to apologise to the poor Chinese man that had to sit next to me for 3 hours! Although, he won't be reading this as he most definitely wasn't fat.
There is no quick solution. I would think slim people probably think why don't you just eat less? But it's not that easy. I think the probelm is deep rooted and psycological. How I wish I could simply wave a magic wand.....
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