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hello i am fat

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Today I celebrated my return to the weight watchers program -- selecting to follow the Core program in which you avoid processed foods and sugars and most starches and instead, like a baby bunny, focus on whole foods like big orange carrots and bloody (lean! lean!) steaks -- by counting Points.

My point (ah ha ha ha!) is that I did not so much do the Core plan when I realized that at the core of doing the Core plan hardcore is planning. Seriously. You can't be grabbing yourself a muffin (sugar! processed!) or pouring yourself a bowl of cereal (starch!) or a breakfast bar (pure processed sugar and starch!) for breakfast on the "go" -- you need to be cooking yourself wholesome things like big messes of eggs, or polenta, or a potato. Or, uh, something.

Part of the planning may involve reading the little book they give you.

I've done the points thing, before (where, for the unitiated in the arterial blood of small underweight religious lambs at midnight that occurs after you sign your weight watchers member form and then "accidentally" prick your finger and bleed all over the contract whoops, was that a jagged piece of glass we handed you with your pen, ma'am and or sir?), foods are assigned points values and you can eat a certain number of points in one day, in any combination of foods you want (but, they hope, most of those foods are not buckets of chicken and ice cream cones with fudge on) and I'm good at it. I even have points values memorized for Foods I Enjoy and Turn To in the Dark of the Night.

Do you know you can spend the whole day eating potato chips and still lose weight? It's because you lose all your hair, I think.

So I did studiously and with great care note everything I put in my mouth, just exactly when I put it in. I noted two (2) slices of whole wheat bread (2 pts) and one (1) tablespoon of peanut butter (2 pts) and two (2) more slices of bread (2 pts) and one (1) more tablespoon of peanut butter (2 pts) and heck, why not one (1) tablespoon of strawberry jam (1 pt) and how about some coffee (0 pts) with a splash of skim milk (1 pt) and ALL THE SUGAR IN THE okay one (1) tablespoon AND CAN I PLEASE STOP SEEING NUMBERS EVERYWHERE I LOOK PLEASE OH MY GOD.

Points is easy! Except I hate math.

Next week, I will go on Core. Core does not have math. Core has, like, polenta. And, uh, bulgur. And I think pie (1 slice, 9 pts) is a fruit and fruits, like, don't even count! Core rules.

  1. Blogger canknitian | 5:52 AM |  

    The first time I did WW figured out that each Oreo cookie is worth 1 point...but if you eat the whole bag, it's only 23! So...the old saying that "Woman cannot live on Oreo alone" doesn't hold true. In fact, under WW, she can...and if she has enough points, she can have milk too!

  2. Blogger Chris | 8:06 AM |  

    This was a great post. I wish you well in your challenges ahead. Regarding your planning, if you choose to get into that kind of thing, please consider reading some "off-plan" materials to supplement your knowledge of what's behind the WW stuff. Turns out, it's really sound advice, but once you read a little nutritional literature, you "get it," and then it's even easier to weave your way through things.


  3. Blogger Megan | 12:31 PM |  

    I really enjoyed this post and as a I result, I had to read my way all through your archives.

    Sometimes I resent how much space in my brain is taken up by the caloric content of food, when it could instead be used to maintain hundres of facts about reality TV celebs and old McDonald's jingles and what-not.

    I sometimes feel like a chubby Rain Man...

  4. Blogger Jonathan Segal | 3:59 PM |  

    Hey. I'm fat, too. But I'm not dieting. I'm running a marathon.

  5. Blogger bugdozer | 9:10 PM |  

    Your blog is awesome. I haven't laughed like this since I read dooce for the first time.

    Best wishes on your endeavours!

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