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hello i am fat

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not watching

What I did was go to weight watchers at work!(tm) and what I did there was get on the scale. And then sit for the 45 minute meeting with the horrible shrieky woman who laughs at her own jokes, a high and shrill noise that rises and rises and then drops off suddenly, and then there's this sigh, this little satisfied sigh as if there just isn't anything better in the world than one of her jokes, mmmahhhyes.

For the forty five minutes, though, I was not really thinking about her and how much I hate her or how weird it is to be sitting at a table full of fat people, all of us fat and all of us furtively hoping we are not the fattest in the room, and how unpleasant it was to not be eating a ham, thirteen snickers bars and your mother for breakfast any more and daydream about the cute clothes I was going to be wearing when, next week, I arrive back at the scale having lost all of my weight in one magic swoop.

What I was thinking about is how I had gained exactly 20 pounds since September. Twenty! 20! XX. A lot of weight, in a little time. What the hell is wrong with me? And don't you bring up the ham, which is only a funny thing I made up anyway (the 13 snickers bars, though - so true).

This is bad. Though you have to wonder how much I would have gained if I hadn't been going to the gym every workday. My god. My god. Oh, the plorkosity.

Tomorrow I will be totally Core. Tonight, it's pork lo mein for dinner.

  1. Blogger stephanie | 6:12 AM |  

    Oh my god, your writing makes me laugh my ass off. Ah, if only. But still. Funny!
    Ha ha!

  2. Blogger anne | 9:39 AM |  

    My god - if I really had that power? The fame! The fortune! The buffets!

    Heh. Anyway, thanks!

  3. Blogger Megan | 1:55 PM |  

    Hey, I'm with Stephanie. I just read your archive and was thouroughly delighted, amused and moved by your posts. You've got an hoonest perspective and an interesting voice -- best wishes to you.


  4. Blogger annalisa | 3:30 PM |  

    Anne, I love your site. I just posted on my own blog that, well, it's embarrassing, but it involves laughing and pee. So, yeah. There you are.

  5. Blogger brent | 5:45 PM |  

    funny stuff. annalisa sent me. i had to pee too but thats because i drank so much water.

  6. Blogger elaine | 3:18 PM |  

    What everyone else said - except pee.
    Substitute muffled snorting laughter and the nuclear glow of empathy.
    Love it.

  7. Anonymous Anonymous | 10:00 AM |  

    I have to ditto on the laughing, but not so much with the pee. Mine was more of a wipe diet Mountain Dew spray off of my monitor experience. You are very funny and you write brilliantly.

    BethK (scaleandperspective.typepad.com)

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