shift, tectonic

My body has changed – not just the way your body tends to change when you gain weight and head so far away from fitness that it is just a tiny little blob on the horizon. No, the shape of my body has changed, the feel of it, the topography. It’s changed in a way that I sense will be permanent, no matter how much weight I ever lose, and I’ve started to mourn that.

I am never going to look like an After picture on one of those late night bowflex infomercials. I am never going to have the perfect body I never had to begin with, even back before I was overweight. I am never going to feel comfortable naked, or in my own skin – I will always be far too aware of my flaws (and I am always far too aware of all my flaws, almost every moment). And that makes me just unbelievably sad. So I’ve started a savings account – tummy tuck, ahoy!

That was a joke. What I’ve actually done is try to shrug it off, as much as I can, and concentrate not just on the I Will Be So Very Hot aspects of getting the goddamned weight off, but on the heart-healthy, energy-gifting, supercharged I Am A Badass kinds of aspects, which were always a part of my wanting to get out of the plus-sized zone. I swear. Though I admit that wanting to look good? That’s always been the top of the list. I am a little bit ashamed of that. Someday, when I grow up, I will not be so shallow. But I’ll also be skinny, so it works out pretty okay.

But the going to the gym I’ve been doing has already started to shift me that way – I’ve started thinking less about how I look in my goofy gym clothes and whether my stomach sticks out and if I look like the cliché of the huffy puffy fat girl on the precor while I do my workouts, and I am so much more conscious of how goddamn good I feel while I push through the hard parts of the workout, how awesome it is to kick my own ass up and down and sideways and emerge kind of scathed, but feeling exhilarated. I had no idea it was possible to feel tired yet exhilarated after a workout. But check me the fuck out.

In a haze of exhilaration, I seriously considered, this weekend (my weekend being Sunday and Monday, and the days I usually take off from the gym) checking out that serenity yoga class and a body-sculpting class, but a cuddly boyfriend dropping by the first night and a little bit of laziness took care of the second; however, I did manage to eat a lot of junk, with the idea that I am going to go back to weight watchers tomorrow, when the weight watchers at work program restarts, with all manner of fat people from all over campus joining forces to not be fat no more, go us.

I have the booklet and the slider and all the various accoutrements (I always have to say that the faux-French way, because it makes me laugh. Ah coo tra mohn, oui oui) that you get when you join yourself up, but I am thinking that maybe spending cash and maybe sitting in a room with a bunch of people who have Awesome Lo-Points Ideas for Nutritious and Delicious Lunches!!!! will be in some way inspiring. Annoying, but inspiring.

Here is where all the talk of accountability and responsibility goes, irritating me, because aren’t I old enough to be accountable to myself and responsible for my own well-being? You’d think so. You’d be totally wrong, but you’d think so.

My body’s changed significantly, but the way I feel about it has changed, too. Going back to weight watchers, what I’m thinking about, I just realized, is not “going on a diet will make me skinny!” but “doing weight watchers will help me figure out what food is good for me! And what food will help me work out!” And that is such an amazing shift in my thinking, I cannot even tell you. Accountability to myself and responsibility for my health might even be on the horizon. Huzzah.

This entry was posted by anne, on Monday, January 10, 2005. You can leave your response.