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hello i am fat

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like that

And like that, just like that, I am counting weight watchers points, and I am exercising. I've been afraid to say it to anyone, been afraid to write it down, been afraid to think about it. I've just been keeping my head down and plowing ahead as unconciously as possible, for fear I'd jinx everything and ruin it all and I'd be back to my old slothful ham-eating ways.

I've been to the gym every day, since Tuesday, and have been clumsy on the Precor and bored on the stationary bike, but tripped off both machines after 45 minutes, feeling triumphant and shaky-legged and exhausted. I've been experimenting with when I go - right after work? On my lunch hour? before work? - to see when I feel best, when I am most likely to go, when I am most likely to keep it up.

I've been bringing food from home - the only way I can combat being both terrifyingly fucking broke, and making my way towards figuring out what I can eat to keep me satisfied (because I'm starting to consider that growly empty hollow stomach feeling the worst feeling in the world - maybe because I'm so not used to it, after months of that mindless eating-to-overstuffedness). I've been taking a multivitamin every single morning, and have plans to pick up calcium and vitamin C pills.

I'm sleeping all through the night again, which is amazing to me. I've started to feel like I have more energy, and I'm feeling that dark sort of hopeless feeling lift off, just a tiny little bit. I'm making to-do lists, and I'm crossing stuff off. Progress.

Four days seems to early to declare victory over sad, slothful, ham-eating ways, but I am cautiously optimistic. And cautious about being cautiously optimistic.

  1. Blogger Denise | 12:36 PM |  

    Every step, no matter how small, is taking you toward your goal. Just keep that goal firmly planted in your mind and keep walking toward it!

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