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hello i am fat

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now you're cooking with gas

Guy Incognito, my boyfriend kind of person and all-around swell fellow, tells me I can cook.

"You can cook," he says.

No, I can't, I tell him.

"I totally can't," I say.

I can follow a recipe in a competent way that does not result in blood poisoning for blocks around, but he is the cook in the family. He can look at my pantry with its crumpled plastic bag with three beans in, a hunk of four-day-old cheese, and a handful of oatmeal and create a gourmet meal that is nutritious, delicious, and makes me want to jump him.

He spends twenty minutes in the kitchen and then swoops into the living room to set a fancy plate in front of me, and I say "Gosh, I could have sworn I didn't have sirloin tips in the house. Pass me the caviar-enrobed foie gras?"

He's kind of a miracle worker.

Me, though. I am faced with the flotsam and jetsam of my pantry, the end result of a shopping trip that had me flying down the aisles, scooping up things that sounded like they'd be the key ingredient in some exciting dish which I would create out of thin air, but in the cold harsh reality of my kitchen, make no sense.

I look in the cabinet, hungry, growly, and bereft, and I am forced to say to myself, excuse me, self? Self? Hello, self! Hi. Yes. Here is a question for you, and I think it is a very good question. What on earth possessed you to buy canned asparagus? Because asparagus, in a can? That's kind of nasty. And excuse me, but when have you ever eaten a cannelli bean? And you know, I'm pretty sure you have never in your life employed cornstarch, and when have you ever been moved to add water chestnuts to a dish? That's right – never. And you know wha- ooh, pickles!


What I'm trying to say, here, is that I am not so much an iron chef. But I can order in Thai like a motherfucker.

What appeals to me about the Core plan is that it feels kind of like Weight Watchers for grownups. There's no counting on your fingers and spending a whole day eating hot chocolate mix right out of the packet and spoonfuls of frosting and because you came in under points, you still had an awesomely awesome day, oh no.

Which is actually kind of awesome, now that I think about it.

On Core you are eating Wholesome, Unprocessed Whole Foods and Grains, Lean Proteins, and Good Fats (can you tell I read the little book? I read the hell out of that little book). Which of course is so nutritious, and so good for you! Hooray!

The problem is that Wholesome, Unprocessed Whole Foods rarely come in handy plastic trays, wrapped in burritos that are frozen, or on the menu of your local chain fast food restaurant, or on a Thai menu from which I can order the fuck out of. Core means planning and shopping and cooking. And planning means angst and shopping means irritation and cooking means crying – but just a little! tiny, tiny tears – in my house.

So Core was starting to look, for awhile, like maybe heating up a can of beans and poking a fork into it. This one's for the gipper! (where gipper = a happy and healthy me – (happy x self pity)).

Except, you know, I am not doing this in a glorious quest for a brand new body which I will never have and some kind of imaginary unlimited superhotness which will make all the problems in my life go poof! And happiness come strolling down my walkway, whistling a cheerful tune, oh no.

Okay, fine, that's part of it. I am allowed my fantasies, okay?

I am doing this really and true because I want health. I quit smoking (even though I looked really kind of sexy when I smoked) for health, and I am going to the gym five days a week and kicking my goddamn ass for health, and I am going to plan and shop and cook, by god, for my health. And also imaginary unlimited superhotness. And oh yeah, health.

  1. Blogger Erin | 8:07 AM |  

    You .... make me laugh. So hard. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that in fact, although it is hard to order the fuck out of a takeout Thai menu when you're trying to do Core, you can *make* the fuck out of some Thai food and make it Core pretty easily -- and, actually, MAKE it pretty easily. I know, not so much with the cooking. But ... it might be worth a try, one day, if you're bored. You can get little bits of ingredients at an Asian market so you're not loading up your pantry (like, one stalk of lemongrass. I've done that).

    Alternately: order the fuck out of some Tom Yum next time you get takeout. Core, as far as I know. (Well, I don't count any points for it, anyway.)

  2. Blogger annalisa | 7:22 PM |  

    Yeah, preparation is crap. At least you can have oatmeal and eggs, right? Both are microwaveable goodness. Seriously, I probably would eat cereal every night when I'm by myself (which is often). Heheh. And water chestnuts are good in tuna or chicken salad. That is all I know about them. ;)

    Good luck with the Core dealie. I have no experience with it, but it seems like a decent plan.

  3. Blogger Chris | 8:57 AM |  

    What is the sound of one diet clapping?

    If you want some quick easy eats that should be Core friendly, check out the little companion book that comes with the ABS Diet. It's only $7 and it's packed with recipes that "guys" would make. ("guys" = your typical gym-hound boys who are afraid of kitches, in this example).

    I believe (having not much knowledge of the Core plan, except what I've read around the webverse) that these easy eats will fit your Core needs.

  4. Blogger neca | 7:55 AM |  

    I love your blog! It cracks me up. I love to cook, but sometimes I need something in a hurry. Stella Juarez has a great cookbook for bodybuilders - you can check it out on amazon, or Dave Draper's website (davedraper.com) and see about 30 or so pages of sample recipes.

    Good luck & keep posting!

  5. Anonymous Anonymous | 12:07 PM |  

    You are very funny. Love the cabinet imagery. Seems like our pantries were separated at birth.

    My blog is here - Ginger's Blog

  6. Blogger ms ralph | 2:18 PM |  

    I can't believe I just found your site. Oh, and the core plan hasn't been offered in Australia, I don't think they will offer it either. The US is a testing ground. A leader told me they think people here want something a bit more restrictive, and I think she is right. I don't know if I could do Core, it scares me.

  7. Anonymous Anonymous | 8:37 PM |  

    Love your sense of humor. It sounds like the core plan is very, very similar to Fat Flush. You might find some good, very simple ideas in the Fat Flush cookbook. Also try thinking outside the box for meals--chicken for breakfast, broccoli, whatever floats your boat. Try to plan a week's work of minimal-cooking meals at a time so that you never have that tumble-weed in the fridge, better-eat-that-chocolate-before-it-goes-bad feeling.
    My weight loss blog is at www.wavybrains.com/cultivate_this

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