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hello i am fat

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thinking about it

So I am the fattest fatty who ever lived in Fat Town, a very nice place where chicken comes in buckets, and hot, fresh lard spills from the fountain in the middle of town, where all the plorkers come to frolic naked in the breeze, lubing their folds and lolling fleshily in the chocolate flowered lawn. I have medical proof. Of my fatness, not of Fat Town. Archaeologists have not yet uncovered Fat Town.

I went to the doctor, a couple of days ago, because I have been feeling sluggish and miserable and generally wretched. You haven’t lived until you’ve tried to explain to the nurse who is making your appointment that you want to see the doctor about being fat – because that is what I was sure my problem was. Is. Hello, I’m fat. Is this true? I am not sure what I wanted from my doctor. Confirmation? The mirror is kind of my confessional, there. The scale, too. But it was starting to scare me, the way I could feel like I wasn’t eating excessively, outrageously, disgustingly, but that I continue to gain weight at a pace I’ve never done before.

I went in to get diagnosed as fat, but I was looking for a cause. My thyroid? Bad juju? Someone with a voodoo doll and a stick of butter? Something was going on, I thought. I kind of hoped. Though I had a feeling that maybe it was me – because isn’t that the way you always feel? Like no matter what, it’s your fault, and it’s going to always be your fault. In a way that is true. Your body is your responsibility. But I couldn’t tell where my responsibility was going awry.

She took blood, and checked my blood pressure and looked concerned. No doctor has ever been before concerned about my blood pressure – I have always been a remarkably healthy fat person. But it’s gone up. And we talked about my fatigue, and she said she didn’t want to make any guesses until she got my bloodwork back, but she laid out some options for me.

She said she could tell I was mentally and physically exhausted, that it was taking a toll on me, and that she had some ideas. We talked about weight watchers and Atkins, and we talked about South Beach. We talked about lap band surgery and bariatric surgery, and medical fasts, and I cried, a little bit, and she was very kind.

I don’t want surgery, but god, the idea of it is kind of a thrill. All your problems gone with a little intestinal twister, or the throttling of your stomach. Boom, thirty pounds gone in a week.

I told her I was tired of food, and we talked about Optifast and she said, maybe, that she could prescribe it for me, maybe it could get covered by insurance. A liquid diet to get me out of the scary sluggish zone, for a couple of months, maybe. Knock me out of this terrible feeling quickly, and get me back to where I feel like I can breathe and move again. It would be a struggle, shifting from the diet and back into food, but the transition, if I was careful, wouldn’t be so bad, if I was lifting weights, in an exercise habit.

I’m thinking about it. God, the idea of leaving this weight behind, and fast, breaking into a run, so to speak, is a tempting one. I am tired of food, and worrying about food, and being scared that everything I put in my mouth is going to doom me in some way.

I am also thinking about the idea of not being able to eat for a month or two, not being able to drink anything but shakes that probably taste like living doom (though the doctor tells me they’re actually quite tasty) and having to go to the doctor every week, spending the money, starving myself a little, being miserable. Finding message boards full of people talking about how they drank all their shakes and only had a little tiny bit of ham and also a pie for dinner, why aren’t they loosing wate????? – the idea is kind of depressing and miserable in a spiritual way.

But then, I’m miserable now. Food doesn’t bring me any kind of joy, any more. Being hungry sounds like a better deal than being fat. I’m thinking about it.

We’ll see what the results of my blood test say. Maybe I am excitingly thyroidic and a pill will solve everything. Maybe I have a rare and elusive fat disease that can be cured by the application of hot compresses and a special herbal tea. Maybe I will wake up one morning and my fat will have leaked out of me via a small puncture wound in my thigh, and it is a little gross to be lying in a bed full of a hundred pounds of grease, but don’t I look fucking hot? Maybe I will wake up and find out I’m a supermodel having a nightmare. In the mean time, I am thinking about it.

  1. Blogger CAD Monkey | 6:37 PM |  

    I'm about to go to the doctor for the same reason. I don't feel like I'm stuffing myself, and I get some exercise, yet I keep gaining weight. I'm already on thyroid medicine, but it's the lowest dosage available.

    I'm hoping she finds a 40-pound benign tumor in my belly.

  2. Blogger PatL | 10:45 PM |  

    I went to a doctor once hoping ... actually hoping to hear that diabetes was the problem. How sick is that? Just wanting to be able to blame my weight gain on something medical so I wouldn't have to work so hard to just stay the same weight.

    Hang in there, Ms Plork. I really hope you find the right solution for yourself.

  3. Anonymous Anonymous | 5:30 AM |  

    Go helpful doctor go! (and how fantastic to get support rather than some boot camp patronising diet nonsense - like you didn't already know about the eating well plus exercise blahdy-cakes).
    Hope you get sorted soon. Big respect for seeking help.

    E

  4. Blogger Soul Searching | 3:50 PM |  

    Great doctor! I was reading this thinking that I probably need to take the same approach. I just have a mental block, it seems, when it comes to weight. It keeps increasing and increasing no matter how excited I pretend to get about going to the gym or how well I eat for 2 weeks before losing it again. It's quite simply out. of. control.

    Great job in going to see the dr. And thanks for sharing! I've been silently suffering with my weight issues, and have only recently been able to begin talking about them in my blog. You say it all so well!

    Can't wait to read more :)

  5. Blogger K | 9:29 AM |  

    Whatever you decide to do, well done for braving the doctor's. I would hate to talk about that kind of thing (see, euphemism) in real life. So kudos to you. And it's really sensible to get your general health checked out so you know the whole picture. More people should do that.

    I hope you stop feeling wretched soon.

  6. Blogger Wendy | 2:16 PM |  

    Hi, Anne - idea - why don't we go spend a week at a fabu fat camp together? where we take arts 'n crafts classes and and do some yoga and then eat delicious yet somehow low-calorie meals that are prepared for us then head to go get massages or mud baths or perhaps both. maybe this would lead us both back to The Path?

  7. Anonymous Anonymous | 8:53 PM |  

    you are sublimely hilarious.

    please keep writing and posting, I (undoubtedly among many others) am cheering you on.

  8. Blogger Amy | 10:32 AM |  

    I just caved on my 6-day long diet yesterday. It's as though I feel so far from actually making progress that I don't see the point of trying. If it's going to take 6 months of working out and dieting then I'm not sure I can do it. Thanks for writing. I need to hear other people's struggles, too.

  9. Blogger SO | 7:05 AM |  

    My friends are all starting The Fat Fallacy Diet (The way the French eat). I'm thinking about starting it too, but I need to buy the book first. You could look into it, my friends rave about how it's the first diet where they get to eat real food....

    I usually last about two weeks on any diet. Sucks and I hate to exercise also!!

    Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck!! I enjoy reading your blog.

  10. Anonymous Anonymous | 12:02 PM |  

    Where have you gone??? I look forward to reading your funny, truthful, painful blog! I hope you're okay?! - dice

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