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hello i am fat

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fractions don't count

Despite being ever so good and pure all week, and the one perfect day of the weekend where I achieved a very excellent 18-point total (all whiskey), I have this morning found that I gained point six of a pound. It must have been all the bratwurst. Which is very salty. And whiskey is salty too. As is chocolate cake and bagels and greasy piles of eggs and crème brulees. Not exercising? Similarly salty. So this point six -- which doesn't count at all anyway, being a fraction of a pound -- is merely water weight.

Remember this very important weight loss tip from me to you: fractions of pounds only count when you are calculating your total weight loss. Otherwise, they are dumb and probably imaginary.

But really, I am grateful that I only gained a smidge – I knew I was not making the best Food Decisions (see the greasy pile of eggs, above) but tried to keep it balanced by eating a light dinner and thinking fluffy and agile thoughts. That is my other weight loss tip from me to you: fluffy and agile thoughts! Also, liposuction.

There was a part of me that was convinced that I had gained far more than that, with the Food Choices being not so great, and the lack of exercise, but also, I lost that weird buoyant mojo that had me prancing around and feeling good about myself. That brief and shining couple of days, where I could look at my ass in the mirror and think that I looked pretty okay – that has vanished, somehow, and I am feeling lumpier every day. I was thinking that maybe it was imaginary, what with being on a diet, but I knew I was fooling myself, what with not exactly being on a diet quite as much as I pretended I was on a diet. Hooray for holiday weekends!

So, to sum up: feeling lumpy, gained a little, will lose it all and more next week (I've got plans, and some of them involve lawn bowling -- which we all know is extremely aerobic), but that doesn't stop me from wanting to go home and lie down face-first in the pillows and feel extremely sorry for myself.

Maybe I'm just still hungover from Saturday. Which requires more peanut butter cups. Chomp.

  1. Blogger noelle feather | 7:54 PM |  

    Wait--you mean the fluffy thoughts DO NOT make a difference? WHAT am I going to do come Thursday?! :)

  2. Blogger Katya | 7:00 AM |  

    ok, so i will be thinking fluffy thoughts all week, i was soooo good last week and lost nothing, nadda, nowt...i nearly lost all hope, but i am sticking to it if it kills me...


    it probably will...

  3. Blogger Dee | 8:21 PM |  

    Oh lawd.

    I just found your blog and I love love love your humour!!!

    Sorry to hear about that gain, but it'll probably be gone next week ;D

    Keep fighting the good fight, I will sure be a regular reader now.

  4. Anonymous Fatslayer | 7:28 AM |  

    Yep, I totally agree - fractions are for nerdy anoracky types, who probably weigh every ingredient when they're cooking too - even the herbs and spices. Real fat-slayers always round downwards (to the nearest integer divisible by 10, preferably!)

    And fluffy light floaty thoughts definitely make a difference...

  5. Blogger sexedman | 3:17 PM |  

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