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hello i am fat

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retail therapy

You know that moment when you're standing in your closet and you're about to burst into tears and burn the thing down and then set fire to your own self because every item of clothing you own is too small or too short or too old or too stained or too ugly or makes you look fat/lumpy/fat and lumpy/fat, lumpy and ugly?

That's a bad moment. That's a really bad moment, and it's bound to break you down and send you spiraling into the kind of wave of depression that involves pizza and self-hatred and locking yourself in the house and never not ever leaving and wishing to fuck that you could just wear a sheet to work. Or maybe that last part is just me.

Maybe you don't. Maybe it is all me. I hope for your sake it is all me, because they are really terrible moments, and I've had so many of those moments these past few months – one of those moments is what really slapped me upside the head and made me realized that I had to do something about the weight I've gained.

But now that I'm doing something, it doesn't seem fair to keep having those moments. Sure, sure, I've only lost four point whatever pounds so far. But shouldn't it have revolutionized my entire life? Shouldn't it have revolutionized my entire wardrobe? Shouldn't my fucking pants just fucking fit already?

No? Okay then.

So I had another one of those moments this past weekend when I was supposed to go hang out with friends of Guy's who haven't seen me in awhile and one of the wives of these people is totally gorgeous and skinny and fabulous and the kindest, sweetest person you've ever met and who does not give a shit what you look like or what you're wearing, but that of course does not stop you from thinking about exactly what you look like, and exactly what the fuck you're going to wear.

So that was catalyst one.

The second catalyst was stumbling home that night and switching on the television and sort of numbly watching an episode of What Not To Wear, in which they were re-fashioning some chick who wanted to lose a lot of weight and she said she was dressing poorly because she was waiting until she lost the weight she wanted to lose and one of the yappy people – Stacey or Clinton, I don't remember which – said, very portentously, "Dress the body you have! Don't wait to look good! Feel good about yourself NOW! Yap yap yap!" And I will not lie to you - I turned it off and went to sleep.

But the next morning! I thought about it and it resonated with me, and I thought, fucking hell. I can't do this any more – squeezing into things and feeling ugly and uncomfortable and stupid. I can't sit around waiting to feel good, because that's just going to drive me to drink. More.

So I looked up the address of a fat girl store I've heard good things about - Torrid - and I trained it on over there and I tried things on and I got jeans, for fuck's sake. I haven't worn jeans in forever. And I got cute tops. And a jacket. And a pair of pants. I ignored the stupid sizes and pretended they didn't mean a goddamn thing and just considered how they felt, and considered how they looked, and by god - now I have things to wear that I look good in, that make me feel good about myself. Feel good! About myself!

That hasn't happened in a really long fucking time.

And I know, as I stick with the program and keep exercising (I've been doing videos at home. I pull down all the shades. My neighbors thank me.) that I will lose weight and then some more weight and these clothes will become too big on me and useless and I will pack them away or give them to goodwill and you can tell me that I've wasted my money, on stuff I will wear, hopefully, for only a short while. But you know, I would have gladly paid a lot more for this amazing new feeling, this feeling I haven't had in years, of liking what I see in the mirror. I highly recommend it. Because it's kind of cool.

  1. Anonymous Anonymous | 1:51 PM |  

    That is very cool. It's awesome that you are being kind to yourself. You deserve to feel like the beautiful woman you are!

    I saw Stacey give a talk in NY last fall. She's lived what she says about dressing and loving the body you have: she's been everywhere from a size 0 to a size 16. She was a 16 when she was working at Vogue, surrounded by teeny-tiny stick people. She said that she really came into her own body then, in a good way.

  2. Anonymous Keej | 3:02 PM |  

    Not to be all gushy but, you rock! I've lost about 120 pounds in the past year and a half and though I'm only 10 pounds from my goal weight, and I've worked my ass off...I still have those moments. There are times I want to nuke not only my present closet, but every closet I've ever had for failing to make me stunning when I needed them to.

    All this is to say, I hear you girl! And though losing weight hasn't completely eliminated bad wardrobe days, the days where I say to myself "Hey, you're one hot bitch!" happen far more often.

  3. Blogger Nancy | 3:04 PM |  

    I am in the same situation. I recently had a baby and it seems like I have nothing to wear. All my old clothes are too small and all my newer (and bigger) clothes have stains from baby spit-up (very hard to get out). I keep putting off buying new clothes because I somehow expect for my weight to magically disappear. And so I continue to live in slouchy, drawstring pants and my husband's t-shirts. Meanwhile my self esteem is plummeting. I know that new clothes will help. I just need to find the courage to go shopping and ignore the sizes. Anyhow, thanks for you post. You definitely inspired me.

  4. Blogger stephanie | 4:16 PM |  

    It is never a waste of money to buy clothes you feel good in. Even if they're transitory clothes. Because here are some things that feel good: realising those pants are getting baggy; realising all your clothes are starting to hang on you; selling said out-shrunk clothes at a yard sale, the flea market or online; giving away what you can't sell; and buying newer, smaller clothes. It gets expensive, yes. But it is worth it. Because, and not to sound too much like an ad for hair colouring, you are worth it.
    Also, four point whatever pounds? That is not nothing. Good on you.

  5. Anonymous mel* | 2:10 AM |  

    You are so right! One of my new years resolutions this year was if something I had in my wardrobe didn't make me feel fabulous, I would sell it/give it away. It's been hard work and I can't say I've even managed it 50% of the time, but it is an excellent mantra to have. Accessories have been my saving this year - bangles, necklaces, belts, shoes - can dress up plain black, white and other 'block' colours. But it is HARD work. Finding the time to try on everything in the shop, and getting more and more grumpy when nothing fits the way you want it to. No wonder it feels easier to give up and wear sweats. Good luck to all of us - all this and trying to lose weight too - no wonder no-one wants to tell you how hard this thing really is!

  6. Blogger M@rla | 4:33 AM |  

    Losing even a small amount of weight encouraged me to start dressing better. The first ten pounds felt like 100, it was such a difference in my self-esteem. I look at the way I used to dress, and am horrified. Looking at me from the outside, I would think "that woman has some serious issues" and I'm surprised I did as well with my career as I did, looking like that. Now I'm annoyed with myself that it took weight loss to change my attitude - grateful it happened, but still annoyed - and would encourage everyone to start treating themselves well NOW. If nothing else, it can only help with the battle to lose weight.

  7. Blogger Kelly | 5:25 AM |  

    I totally agree with Stacy and Clinton. I see it as the beginnings of a great cycle. When you feel good about yourself, you're less likely to eat your way out of a depression, and more likely to work out and want to keep feeling good about yourself. At least, that's been my experience. Even when I was a size 20, I tried to have cute clothes and felt like I was making an effort and that I looked pretty.

    Congratulations on the four point whatever pounds, too! :)

  8. Blogger kate | 7:43 AM |  

    I love how honest you are in your posts. Thank you. :)

  9. Blogger Lady_Blue | 5:20 AM |  

    I've found that if I feel good about how I look (no matter what size I am) I don't start thinking, oh well, I'm looking fat and feeling fat, lets have a pizza. If I feel good, I choose something more healthy and continue to feel good. That self perpetuating cycle kind of breaks.

    It's all about how you feel right now this very second. If what you're wearing makes you feel fat, I am straight for the chips or similar.

    Thanks for sharing!

  10. Anonymous stitch 'N' match | 7:39 PM |  

    This is a great post that simply says it all.
    For the last 2 long winters, i wore the same 2 skirts, obviously black, and pretended i was fine. I had other clothes that would not fit me because of the wieght gain, Every morning i would have one of those horrible moments you described, i would itch to get new clothes then remind myself that i do have ones that I AM GOING TO FIT IN SOON. it took me 2 years to realise that soon is not good enough.
    thanks for sharing.

  11. Blogger TheWeightFallsOff | 3:36 PM |  

    Alot of interesting comments on this blog, I was searching for some doctor related info and some how cam across this site. I found it pretty cool, so I bookmarked. I'll really liked the second post on the front page, that got my attention.

    My site is in a bit different area, but just as useful. I have a weight loss recipe related site focusing on weight loss recipe and mens health related topics.

  12. Blogger Dani | 12:55 PM |  

    This is another great post to which I can totally relate. There is nothing in my closet that makes me feel pretty; getting dressed in the morning is very disheartening.

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