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hello i am fat

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or, "fall down, get up. a love story."

This Week of Weightloss (because now my life is divided artificially into Weeks in which I am working towards weighing less on one specific day – don’t think I don’t know how fucking weird that is) I had a day where I found myself, at two in the afternoon, having eaten something along the order of 18 points worth of Reeses miniature peanut butter cups. You know, those mouthfuls of chocolate that disappear so quickly that you have to pop another in your face almost immediately after sucking on the first? Those.

And I looked at the pile of wrappers that had accumulated in the trash and in the other trash can and in my pocket, as I went back and forth between the kitchen and the living room and the kitchen and back to the living room again, and I thought huh. Wonder what’s up with that? And I had another point or two worth of chocolate.

At the end of the day, I realized that I had spent more or less my entire day’s worth of points on peanut butter cups. I thought about how I felt about that. I didn’t feel so good about that. I didn’t feel so good, in fact. Man can not live on Diet Pepsi and peanut butter cups alone, no matter how hard she tries, or wants to. It turns out man needs things like protein, and maybe less sugar. Which is just crazy, if you ask me.

It had been months and months and months – it had been longer ago than I remember – since I had done anything like eat nothing but cake all day, or a box of cookies over the course of an afternoon, or a ham in the bathtub. Even before I was doing the weight watchers thing, it was a matter of a series of bad choices than a single unattractive long-range binge.

But here I was with a nearly empty bag of cups and the kind of feeling of shame that only can creep up on you when you are blasted with the kind of unpleasantly crisp and clear sense of self-awareness that carries around an 8 x 10 glossy that shows you exactly what it is you look like right that second.

I went to bed with half-promises in my head about doing better and having kashi for breakfast and Being the Best Me That I Can Be and when I woke up the next morning, I found out that there was a reason that I had been mindless mainlining chocolate, and that was because I am become a beautiful woman experiencing her natural moonflow time.

I hate my period. But at least I found a reason for the peanut butter cups.

At least that’s what I told myself. The link between chocolate and menstruation is a long-documented one, and sources can be found everywhere from stand up comedy routines to informal testimonies to Cathy cartoons that fill you with a sense of outwardly-directly loathing when you catch yourself reading them, to just general knowledge, you know? That’s what happens! When you are a woman! And because I am a woman, I finished off the bag, and I looked at it, and I gave up.

Because I had already damaged my body and my chances by loading up with so much crap and I had my period and I was crampy and gross and messy and bloated and unhappy and everything sucked and fucking hell, I deserved to eat whatever I wanted because I just do, okay, because life is hard and I wanted more peanut butter cups which are delicious and make things less hard because they just do, okay?

And thus, this hasn’t been such a great week, with the whole “on plan” thing. I didn’t have to do that. I know there are cravings associated with PMS and I am willing to assuage those cravings. I know there are mood things associated, and changes in my body that are less than pleasant, but why did I have to allow that to take me over completely? There was no reason to do that. And the usual release I experience when I relax and stop watching what I eat, when I let myself have anything I have a fancy for – that’s been tempered by a whole lot of upset and uncomfortableness. It’s like I’m trapped inside my body, banging my fists on a locked door and crying nooooooo!, all dramatic-like, and being ignored as terrible things go on without my consent or help.


So I’m not going to weigh in this week, because honestly, I know what I did and I know the results of what I did, and I don’t feel the need to confront them, head-on, like. And I’m going to go back to doing what worked and made me feel good, and I’m going to go back to doing my stupid exercise videos and I’m going to get back to where I was before and maybe not bring any more bags of peanut butter cups into the house. That might work okay, too.

  1. Blogger noelle feather | 3:05 PM |  

    That's my problem too, and I try to not bring the bloody stuff (chocolate anything) into the house. Over the weekend, I made chocolate/p.b. cookies, and the good thing is that it's Tuesday and I still have some! I haven't eaten all of them since Sunday. I just have no clue how to figure out how many points they are worth! How long have you been doing WW? I'm on "third try, third week".

  2. Blogger Mamato2boys | 3:43 PM |  

    "when I let myself have anything I have a fancy for – that’s been tempered by a whole lot of upset and uncomfortableness. It’s like I’m trapped inside my body, banging my fists on a locked door and crying nooooooo!, all dramatic-like, and being ignored as terrible things go on without my consent or help."

    That is just plain awesome. I think I have had all of those feelings. Thanks for putting them out there. It seems that eventhough we might know better it doesn't keep us from rationalizing that all away.

    I hope that this next week segment is a good one for ya!
    smiles :o)

  3. Blogger Roly Poly Girl | 6:20 PM |  

    well said! I have so much sympathy. I tend to get very depressed around that same time each month, I think I should quit my job and move out west, and some of my cravings become uncontrollable. Hey, if quitting my job and moving out west isn't an option, at least a chocolate-chocolate chip muffin shound be.

  4. Anonymous Annalisa | 6:52 PM |  

    It's hard, during that time. Today I went into our kitchen at work (where they keep the free snacks. FREE SNACKS, I TELL YOU. It's craziness), and had one of those snack packs of mini oreos. I wasn't even hungry. And then I found myself back there for another pack an hour later. WTF? Thankfully, I was able to actually say WTF and put them back, but still.

    Anyway, one thing that helps keep me from totally binging on chocolate during the moonflow, as you so eloquently put it, is to allow myself to have a set amount of something, PB cups, let's say. I'll say, okay, you can have 5 mini pb cups, but then you have to get up and go for a walk (or do laundry, or clean the bathroom). I always eat way less when I bargain with myself, and I'm not just sitting there, bored.

    Hope this helps. You have been doing really great, so don't let a little PMS derail you. And hey, we are all "doing the best we can with what we got", as my dad would say.

  5. Blogger Dee | 2:47 AM |  

    Sorry to hear you're having a rough time during that time of the month. I know that kind of mindless eating, sadly mine isn't just contained to my period.

    All we can do is keep trying, persistence is so underrated.

    Hope tomorrow is a great day for you!

  6. Blogger Lake Allison | 12:50 PM |  

    Delicious chocolate is rich in iron. The chocolate cravings during menstruation are because a lack of iron, due to loss of blood.

    Eating healthier foods with iron might help curb the craving. Like spinach. I know spinach is not nearly as fun as chocolate, but there are some spinach dishes that are tolerable. Like spanikopita. mmm

    Best wishes!

  7. Anonymous Penny_Nickel | 1:28 PM |  

    I 'allow' myself chocolate once a month -- on my first and second moontime days. I go to the healthfood store in preparation, and purchase the darkest organice bar (or two) available (like, 87% cocoa? Exactly for those endorphin-releasing effects) to nibble on and self-medicate those first two or so days of menstruation. And I refuse to feel any guilt about it, because it really does help with my menstrual symptoms. Consequently, knowing I'll have this 'treat' in my future, I rarely have chocolate cravings anymore....

  8. Anonymous Jennifer | 8:19 PM |  

    I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one who skipped my weigh in this week. I was afraid people would think my blog was stuck on auto-update since it kept posting the same damn weight every week.

    Best of luck with the, umm, confectionary stuff. (I'm currently trying to cut out sugar which is a living hell, so I cannot think or speak about such things right now lest I eat my keyboard in desperation).

  9. Blogger BethK | 7:52 AM |  

    Peanut butter cups are the perfect PMS food because they serve up both chocolate and salt in a conveniently delectable package. I had a similar problem last October when I demolished about a dozen of the pumpkin shaped ones. It didn't even occur to me what I was doing until I finished the whole bag. It caught you by surprise this month. Next time they sing their siren song, you'll be better prepared to stuff a sock in the siren's mouth.

    Hang in there!

  10. Anonymous Anonymous | 9:32 AM |  

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    Where have I been all your life? I was given your address my Miss Mo at Ointy and am really pissed that I haven't met you earlier. I have a lot of reading ahead of me to catch up on all your goings on. I hope it's alright if I stalk you from now on, dropping in a couple times a day to see if there's anything new you want to tell me. My therapist has been after me to find a friend so I can't wait to tell that bitch to lay off. Well, bye till later!!!! XOXOXOXO, Your BFF

  11. Anonymous stitch 'N' match | 5:39 PM |  

    .What a great post!
    The thing is that this phase may last anywhere between 2-14 days before you get the moon flow; effectively getting you too binge half the month and feel guilty the other half.
    It would be best if you set your self a treat each 2 weeks or month, then you know you are working towards it and instead of indulging in post-binge amnesia (how/what/where), you actually enjoy what you really like.
    Good luck and all the best

  12. Blogger kate | 8:57 AM |  

    Everybody has bad days. I just finished my period and I swear to God, I could not stop eating all week! It sucks being a girl. LOL.

  13. Blogger Cain24 | 10:50 AM |  

    I just came across your site and I feel the same way. I normally get that way the week before. What sucks is I just quit smoking so add that to PMS and thats a whole lot of trouble. I have been mindlessly eating.I also decided to not weigh in this week too.

  14. Anonymous hopefulloser | 9:22 AM |  

    I'm pre-moonflow right now and just like Ms. Roly Poly it makes me want to quit my job and run away.

    I'm off to follow allison's advice and eat a ton of spinach. otherwise $h!t is going to hit the fan :-)

    Great site!

  15. Anonymous Anonymous | 12:50 PM |  

    You really struck a chord with me! I get the whole premenstrual mess -- I get so tired I can't move, I get depressed and all I want to do is eat. Also,I've had more than my share of all day binges: I've eaten bars of cheese, loaves of bread, boxes of cookies, crackers, containers of ice cream, you name it, I've binged on it. I just don't get it -- I know how it's going to make me feel and yet, I still do it...

  16. Blogger dianka | 3:43 AM |  

    i'd say, weigh yourself. you might be surprised! after all, how much did the bag weigh? 300 g?
    when i don't follow my diet properly, or pig out one day, i always say 'i'm not gonna weigh myself' and if i don't, i do it again. but if i do, sometimes, i even lose weight, sometimes, i put on. but i can say to myself 'you've put on weight because you did pig out on tuesday. you're not going to do it again, and you'll lose'
    how about that

  17. Anonymous Anonymous | 4:59 AM |  

    jesus anne, your blog made me laugh i frigen laughed it!!! know exactly where your coming from.i try ans hide the wrappers to .. haha by placing them down the side of my bed so i dont eaqt the food but my hand magically goes down there hahaha. oh shit then i look soometimes and im like oh fuck look at that what a fat bastard this is so hard. oh jesus how did your diet go?? i hope it worked out well for you. take care anne. from brooke

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