steps two through two thousand

The picture, that was the first step. And then the doctor called, and the blood work was not great, I continued to feel like very tired hell, and I came to the realization that the reason I have been so uncomfortable wearing high heels, lately (lately!) and my shoes have gotten so strangely tight is not just because my goddamn feet are fat, too (though I bet they are), but I’ve been balancing several hundreds pounds upon them, and that’s too way much weight to put on two small feet. I can’t wear heels because I’m too fat. That’s depressing.

As if the whole thing isn’t depressing. But you know, sometimes it’s the smaller things that catch you up and tip you over and send you sprawling. At which point the ground shakes, because you are so fat. By “you” I mean “me,” of course.

So I talked to the doctor, and she referred me to the liquid diet people, and I have started drinking delicious chocolate shakes and chowing down on munchy delicious granola bars of miracle science.

I figured that any time I talked about it, it would be “I’m miserable!” and “Oh, I am so hungry!” and “Oh, can I please just die, now, because this is fucking unfair.”

But you know, I wouldn’t need to be doing this shit if I hadn’t gotten to this point in the first place, eh? Personal responsibility is very important, you know. And also it sucks.

It hasn’t been that bad though – no, seriously. It hasn’t really made me want to die, even the first three days. I’m not, of course, totally thrilled, and I miss going out for a drink after work, but it has been such an amazing relief to not have to think about food beyond remembering to “eat” every two hours, and to generally keep track of how many little packets I have torn open.

You’d think all I would be able to do is think about food and be depressed, but already, I have energy and I am excited and I am putting all my big fat eggs into one tiny little basket, calculating how much weight I will lose by this date, and this date, and this date and doing little dances of soon to be skinny glee.

I don’t expect it to remain easy. I have to start exercising serious-like after the first week, and start a weight lifting regimen to make sure I minimize muscle loss and metabolism slow-down, and I haven’t been doing it for very long or have had any serious temptation, or been in the midst of ferocious doom PMS or been away from home and my blender, where it is generally easy to keep things under control.

And then, of course, the holidays are coming. They are delicious meaty holidays full of food piles, and drinking delicious things, some (or possibly most) of which are alcoholic. This isn’t going to be a cakewalk, so to speak. It is, in fact, going to suck.

Right now I am hoping for my liking of exercise to kick in (I do! I really do like to kick my own ass, when I am not so desperately out of shape that it hurts unbearably) and hoping I lose enough weight, before it gets really hard, to feel inspired. Or maybe I will even surprise myself and discover resources and toughness and do this thing right, and see it to the end.

This entry was posted by anne, on Monday, November 07, 2005. You can leave your response.