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hello i am fat

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steps two through two thousand

The picture, that was the first step. And then the doctor called, and the blood work was not great, I continued to feel like very tired hell, and I came to the realization that the reason I have been so uncomfortable wearing high heels, lately (lately!) and my shoes have gotten so strangely tight is not just because my goddamn feet are fat, too (though I bet they are), but I’ve been balancing several hundreds pounds upon them, and that’s too way much weight to put on two small feet. I can’t wear heels because I’m too fat. That’s depressing.

As if the whole thing isn’t depressing. But you know, sometimes it’s the smaller things that catch you up and tip you over and send you sprawling. At which point the ground shakes, because you are so fat. By “you” I mean “me,” of course.

So I talked to the doctor, and she referred me to the liquid diet people, and I have started drinking delicious chocolate shakes and chowing down on munchy delicious granola bars of miracle science.

I figured that any time I talked about it, it would be “I’m miserable!” and “Oh, I am so hungry!” and “Oh, can I please just die, now, because this is fucking unfair.”

But you know, I wouldn’t need to be doing this shit if I hadn’t gotten to this point in the first place, eh? Personal responsibility is very important, you know. And also it sucks.

It hasn’t been that bad though – no, seriously. It hasn’t really made me want to die, even the first three days. I’m not, of course, totally thrilled, and I miss going out for a drink after work, but it has been such an amazing relief to not have to think about food beyond remembering to “eat” every two hours, and to generally keep track of how many little packets I have torn open.

You’d think all I would be able to do is think about food and be depressed, but already, I have energy and I am excited and I am putting all my big fat eggs into one tiny little basket, calculating how much weight I will lose by this date, and this date, and this date and doing little dances of soon to be skinny glee.

I don’t expect it to remain easy. I have to start exercising serious-like after the first week, and start a weight lifting regimen to make sure I minimize muscle loss and metabolism slow-down, and I haven’t been doing it for very long or have had any serious temptation, or been in the midst of ferocious doom PMS or been away from home and my blender, where it is generally easy to keep things under control.

And then, of course, the holidays are coming. They are delicious meaty holidays full of food piles, and drinking delicious things, some (or possibly most) of which are alcoholic. This isn’t going to be a cakewalk, so to speak. It is, in fact, going to suck.

Right now I am hoping for my liking of exercise to kick in (I do! I really do like to kick my own ass, when I am not so desperately out of shape that it hurts unbearably) and hoping I lose enough weight, before it gets really hard, to feel inspired. Or maybe I will even surprise myself and discover resources and toughness and do this thing right, and see it to the end.

  1. Anonymous Beth | 5:42 AM |  

    Anne,

    Back in 1991, I started a liquid diet at the end of October. I thought the holidays would suck big-time, but honestly, I didn't find it that bad. Of course, what I had going for me was an average 4 lbs/week weight loss.

    I didn't sit with the family at the holiday dinners. I did think that would be too hard. And come to think of it, once I had been doing it for a month or so, I developed a good healthy (?) fear of blowing out my gall bladder if I cheated big time, which also helped me stay on track.

    Anyways, good luck!

  2. Blogger JessiferSeabs | 8:08 AM |  

    THe first time I started Weight watchers, I did so, angrily, right before Christmas. I was pissed that I thought I wouldn't get to indulge in most of the holiday cheer and food-oriented celebrations.

    But you know... I ended up losing about 18 lbs between Christmas and about March. It sucked a little bit that I didn't get to eat whatever I wanted, but if I hadn't joined WW then, I probably would have GAINED 18 lbs over the holidays.

    Congrats. The first step is the hardest.

  3. Blogger Mamato2boys | 4:05 PM |  

    Hi Anne,

    I think that it is awesome that you have found what it takes to take your life back under control. I am doing a liquid diet under medical supervision with a clinic right now. I am on my 3rd week and so far so good. I haven't had a single lick off program. I am one that could never stay OP for more than a week at a time. Anyways, I just wanted to wish you well!
    smiles :)
    Ang

  4. Blogger ms ralph | 9:45 PM |  

    I read the previous entry today as well and I know how you felt looking at that photograph. Sometimes it takes a photo to jolt us into action. I wish you all the best with the liquid diet, and especially during the holidays.

  5. Blogger K | 2:04 AM |  

    I'm glad you are all motivated, and wish you all the best with it.

    Good luck with the weightlifting. I've been doing it on machines since February, and can honestly say nothing else has made so much difference to the way I feel about myself. I plucked up the courage to graduate to free weights a few weeks ago, and am enjoying it very much. I hope you will too.

    High heels, though? Scary biscuits. Men wouldn't put themselves through that torture...

  6. Anonymous Anonymous | 10:45 AM |  

    Great job! It really sounds you have crossed that mental barrier, and are on your way! Get really EXCITED- All your hopes can be realized. God bless and please post often to let us know the ups and downs. Thanks for sharing.

  7. Blogger always write | 9:16 AM |  

    I'm rooting for you.

    My one tip on exercise: I've realized I will never love it, the trick has been to get addicted to it. Not in an unhealthy way, just so I feel something's missing if I've gone more than a couple days without it. But I'm sure you know this already. Good luck to you!

  8. Blogger Coco | 9:52 PM |  

    Good Luck!
    I too have been on many diets...
    and think that WW is the most healthy.
    As for exercise, I hate to be "sweaty"- yuck!
    What I do like, though, is Curves...and I now I also want a stationary bike in the living room-yes, in front of the TV.

    Anyway, good luck!
    Take Care!

  9. Anonymous Anonymous | 9:02 PM |  

    For Spoiled Fat Girls Not Considering Abandoning Fashion when the High Heels are Enuf (with apologies to Ntozake Shange):

    Manolo, Jimmy Choo, Sigerson Morrison, and Stuart Weitzman also make flats.

    Ask how I know. :D

    **** 'em if they can't take a joke.

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