okay, then
I have not been posting because it's hard to type when you've got a Christmas turkey nestled under your chin and a pint of ice cream in each hand.
Well, not really. But I continue to be out of control and hating it. I eat whatever (and whatever sure ain't low-fat, high-fiber and rich in nutrients) and I forgot what the inside of the gym looks like and I am a tired old person who feels tired and old and I don't have time to make changes, I just don't. Please pass the bacon.
I've been thinking about it, though. It's hard to not think about it when all your clothes fit poorly and there are lumps where there never have been lumps before and you have before you at all times that image you accidentally caught in a plate glass window when you were chunging down the street all slouchy and butt sticky-outty and rumpled with your shirt riding up and you know that's for certain what you look like, not the image in the mirror where you are standing up straight and tugging down your blouse and squinting a little bit and thinking you look actually kind of respectable.
It's all very depressing, and really, you don't want to hear about it.
(X Y and Z are bad. So change X Y and Z, you say! But I caaaaaaaan't, I whine.)
Things have been crazy, and I can't, I whine. I have friends and loved ones with major life changes, three of which include major apartment moves. I moved three people! Furniture is heavy and makes me tired. And I have papers to write and work to be at for extra hours, now that we've lost a staff member, and assistants to train and an apartment to keep from being condemned and laundry and sleeping and you know all that eating right and exercise stuff? We're not thinking about that so much. The "we" in the previous sentence is not so much royal as enormously fat.
I can't. Not just in the "I don't have time" sense and "here are my excuses" sense and the "but oh, don't you feel sorry for poor me, delicate flower that I AM" sense, but in the "I just. Can't. Think about it right now" sense. I can't. It makes me sorry and sad and angry and upset, but I can't. At night, when everything is over, it is all I can do to crawl into bed with Guy and an order of sesame chicken and watch Iron Chef until we both fall asleep with our mouths open and our teeths unbrushed.
In the meantime, however, however, I have been thinking about goals, in mad dashes from work to bus to moving van to third floor walk up to truck to bus to school to work to etcetera. I printed out a silly meal plan from Good Housekeeping, I made a grocery list, and put together a cart full of stuff to order online as soon as I figure out when I'll be home to accept delivery. And I've come up with a list of rewards, as some of you guys helpfully suggested, for following my stupid meal plan week by week. Little things like an eyebrow wax the first week, a manicure the second, a pedicure the third, a haircut the fourth.
I think I'm going to need diamond-plated rewards for getting to the gym, though. And I think I'm going to make that goal slightly littler. Can you get to the gym two times this week? I'll give you an album from iTunes if you do. How's that? That sounds kind of okay.
Well, okay then.
So when I'm ready to do this, when things quiet down and I can focus again and breathe in deep and out slowly and say okay, then. It's time to start. Everything will be in place, and I will begin. Until then, though? I don't know.
Well, not really. But I continue to be out of control and hating it. I eat whatever (and whatever sure ain't low-fat, high-fiber and rich in nutrients) and I forgot what the inside of the gym looks like and I am a tired old person who feels tired and old and I don't have time to make changes, I just don't. Please pass the bacon.
I've been thinking about it, though. It's hard to not think about it when all your clothes fit poorly and there are lumps where there never have been lumps before and you have before you at all times that image you accidentally caught in a plate glass window when you were chunging down the street all slouchy and butt sticky-outty and rumpled with your shirt riding up and you know that's for certain what you look like, not the image in the mirror where you are standing up straight and tugging down your blouse and squinting a little bit and thinking you look actually kind of respectable.
It's all very depressing, and really, you don't want to hear about it.
(X Y and Z are bad. So change X Y and Z, you say! But I caaaaaaaan't, I whine.)
Things have been crazy, and I can't, I whine. I have friends and loved ones with major life changes, three of which include major apartment moves. I moved three people! Furniture is heavy and makes me tired. And I have papers to write and work to be at for extra hours, now that we've lost a staff member, and assistants to train and an apartment to keep from being condemned and laundry and sleeping and you know all that eating right and exercise stuff? We're not thinking about that so much. The "we" in the previous sentence is not so much royal as enormously fat.
I can't. Not just in the "I don't have time" sense and "here are my excuses" sense and the "but oh, don't you feel sorry for poor me, delicate flower that I AM" sense, but in the "I just. Can't. Think about it right now" sense. I can't. It makes me sorry and sad and angry and upset, but I can't. At night, when everything is over, it is all I can do to crawl into bed with Guy and an order of sesame chicken and watch Iron Chef until we both fall asleep with our mouths open and our teeths unbrushed.
In the meantime, however, however, I have been thinking about goals, in mad dashes from work to bus to moving van to third floor walk up to truck to bus to school to work to etcetera. I printed out a silly meal plan from Good Housekeeping, I made a grocery list, and put together a cart full of stuff to order online as soon as I figure out when I'll be home to accept delivery. And I've come up with a list of rewards, as some of you guys helpfully suggested, for following my stupid meal plan week by week. Little things like an eyebrow wax the first week, a manicure the second, a pedicure the third, a haircut the fourth.
I think I'm going to need diamond-plated rewards for getting to the gym, though. And I think I'm going to make that goal slightly littler. Can you get to the gym two times this week? I'll give you an album from iTunes if you do. How's that? That sounds kind of okay.
Well, okay then.
So when I'm ready to do this, when things quiet down and I can focus again and breathe in deep and out slowly and say okay, then. It's time to start. Everything will be in place, and I will begin. Until then, though? I don't know.
This entry was posted by anne, on
Tuesday, March 01, 2005.
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That's a totally respectable goal and reward. I say go for it. In 12 Step Land, there's an expression: "Fake it 'til you make it" Maybe you can't quit doing your thing of choice right this moment, but anything that keeps your head in a place that will help you get there (going to meetings, or blogging, or reading blogs, or looking at healthy recipes) is a good thing. Just hang in there. You'll get back on track when you're ready.
Your blog is most interesting. So is your constant use of the word "can't", which implies you have NO choice in what you are doing.
What you should be saying is "I won't".
"I won't take responsibility for what I am doing right now."
Because you "can" make better choices. You could always eat a takeaway subway sandwich and fall asleep with that in your mouth instead of some dirty fried chinese takeaway or a tub of ice cream.
Stop making the excuses we ALL make. You're not alone in making these excuses, we've all done it. I've done it. The- "Life's too hard right now, I don't have enough time right now, the weather's not right for me to exercise right now".
You gotta pull yourself out of this downwards spiral because it rarely gets easier. Change your way of thinking. Take control of your life. Of what you put in your mouth.
Good luck.
I appreciate the encouragement, anonymous. But you know, what I was saying is that I have looked at where I am and what I am doing wrong and what I want to change, and I accept the fact that right now, I am not going to muster the energy to make those changes.
Of course I can make better choices. But for a host of reasons (or if you prefer, excuses) there's just some stuff that is not going to happen for me, and I am unhappy about that, but I have made the decision to live with it for a bit longer. Because sometimes that's what you have to do.
its always anonymous who writes those assinine comments eh? nobody i know would write that so i will go ahead and say anon you really suck! there i feel better. "you gotta pull yourself out of this downwards spiral because it rarely gets easier." seriously, what an ass. that helps no one.
work stress sucks more than anything (and general stress too)...i wish i could bottle it up and kick its butt! stress sucks! hang in there though, just work through it all at your own pace, no worries, we can do this.
Hey there- I just started reading a couple weeks ago-funny stuff- and also very heartfelt.
I know the place you are in right now very well. That feeling/ that state of mind. (Obviously Anonymous has never had that.) It's as if it's utterly out of your hands. To even walk by the gym would be HELL. It's like a constant buzzing in your head - and you must overeat, (or in my case- overeat/sleep too much/drink too many beers) just to calm the buzzing. Then suddenly it’s like a switch and it turns off- or the control switch turns on. How to make that seemingly magical switch turn on? I guess just one foot in front of the other- staying aware- and keep writing of course. Seriously- One day your going to wake up and say- THIS IS THE DAY. I feel good today. I can do it Today. (At least this is how it happens to me) Then maybe 7 days later after that initial break through you’ll fall off again- but you know the quicker you get back on- a sign of growth- and ofcourse long term sucess. (Ok I'm babbling)- hang in there. Sometimes right when I fall asleep I whisper to myself- I AM GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DAY TOMORROW- about ten times. Often it works. (I’m a loozah-lol. Not it does work sometimes- I swear.)
Good luck!- Keep writing- your not a killer-your concerned with your well being and your overweight and God damn it (sorry Jesus) that is not a crime! (p.s. I’m sure you know all this- this longggg comment is for me too. J)
I may choose to be anonymous, but what I say is true. Maybe it does suck, but it is the hard truth.
Overweight people, telling another overweight person that it is OK to not think about what you're eating, and let yourself pile on more weight because life has gotten tough, and to just let yourself go "for a while" is all wrong. I HAVE been there vicky and brent. But what did not help me was another fat person saying hey it's OK for you to not care for a bit. Giving me permission to let myself go. Because you do just that. Let yourself go on with your destructive ways. When the person telling me it’s OK is also overweight, that makes it even more OK. Because it’s comforting to think we're not alone in serious overeating when things get tough.
But every day counts. Every day you eat really badly and do NO exercise, and stack on more weight, will mean weeks of extra work to take off the new weight gained.
It is REALLY hard to pull yourself out of the pattern, to even walk down the street when you feel you can’t even lift yourself off your bed. It's easy to "put it off for a few weeks". But you need people encouraging you to change your ways. To tell you it's NOT OK to give up for a while. While things get tough for a bit. Because things are ALWAYS going to get tough again.
When I was getting comfort from other fat overeaters, I never lost weight. When I started taking advice from people who’ve actually lost the weight, then I saw results. I now weigh 53kgs, 116lbs. I used to weigh double that. I think the math speaks for itself.
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