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hello i am fat

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I have spent the past month – has it been a month that I've been ostensibly been on a diet? – eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

I enjoy peanut butter, and I am a fan of jam, and together, they make beautiful love on top of squooshy and deliciously carby honey wheat bread, but after you've had one for breakfast and then – ehhhh, I don't know what else to make and I don't have time so I'll make one for lunch, and then you get home and you are tired and just want to crawl into bed with a book and a cat on your head, and you think – ehhhh, I don't have time for water to boil, I'll just make a sandwich, with hey! Peanut butter and raspberry preserves! Woo! I'll mix it up like a crazy person! Well, you get tired. Very, very tired.

Peanut butter, I am breaking up with you. But I can't! But I have to. But oh god, I can't! You are easy, and you are delicious, and I am wretchedly, wretchedly lazy.

I think I'm broken.

There is something soothing about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for every meal. Not just the homey simplicity of it, the callback to childhood and a more innocent time and milk mustaches and cartoons. Not that I've ever stopped watching cartoons.

It is also the fact that it takes approximately thirty seconds and not a whole lot of skill to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the ingredients, they are cheap and plentiful on the ground, so to speak, and I know the caloric points kind of count of each and every piece of that little portable meal which I have created, with no estimating or guesstimating or eyeballing.

It is five points, filling, sweet and a little bit salty, crunchy, perfect, delicious, and I think I am going to kill myself if I make another one.

But I am scared to move away from the safe world of peanut butter and jelly. On any of the weight watchers plans, on any of the diet plans, you can eat anything. At any time! Kind of. The world is your oyster! Within reason. But even though there are strictures and guidelines, it's too much. Too much freedom! Dizzy, dizzy, delirious freedom.

If I were a very rich person who was also nauseatingly spoiled, by god I would have a personal chef, and the chef would tell me what to eat and I would be happy. I would not stress and panic and worry and things would be easy and birds would sing and the hallelujah chorus would break into beatboxing joy.

Not being rich or spoiled, I frantically search for guidelines, boundaries, a tiny little box in which to lock myself. I tried to look up the Discovery challenge, uh, challenge, in hopes that there was a meal plan, but they only shouted at me with exclamation points. I've looked up diet sites, but they've only popped up at me and offered to count my calories. What calories! I shrieked. What calories should I be putting in my mouth! I sobbed.

I heard about Oprah's boot camp and thought that that sounded promising! Very promising! Oprah, she would tell me what to do. Her giant head is very comforting. But all it says on her site is some nonsense about no bread and blah blah protein and blah blah I KNOW BY GOD. Please, please just give me a meal plan?

I spent the week looking for the paper copy of the magazine, in hope, in hope, in hope, but no luck. No hope, either.

This morning, for breakfast, I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I will get my act together. I just – I have to work through this feeling of paralysis, this sense that there's too much information, too much coming at me and too little time to process, and what if I don't process it right?

It is depressing that I do not trust myself – but you know, trusting that what I wanted to put in my face was fine, just fine! That's what got me to a place where I am not fine, just not so fine at all. I have everything to relearn, which I am doing slowly, but it's going to take a long time before I trust my instincts again, before I can do this on my own.

Hold me, Oprah.

  1. Blogger Lisa | 2:58 PM |  

    oh my goodness... peanut butter on toast is one of my all time favourite 'haven't got time but need food' meals?? I don't know what I'd do if they bannished it from the shelves of supermarkets, 'cept maybe lose a bit of weight. And how many points a day are you actually allowed on this weight watchers point thingy you're doing anyway?

  2. Blogger Meredith | 5:28 PM |  

    You make me laugh out loud every time I read this entry. Yes, I've read it more than once, just for the big head comment. I'm a bit overwhelmed myself at this moment. How did I cope? Why eating 4 slices of pepperoni pizza, that's how! Pure genious. Now, can I have the Toast Soup recipe?


  3. Anonymous Ami | 7:32 PM |  

    I stumbled upon your page, and I just wanted to share something with you. I've struggled with weight for the past five years, I've hated myself and my food for not being able to lose weight. After reading and implementing information from annebarone.com and reading "The Fat Fallacy" that fight is over. I am a college student, I have no money, but I can afford to do this. It seems like it could never work because you are allowed to eat bread AND cheese, whole milk and avocados, whatever your heart desires. Peanut butter and jelly (already mixed together in a jar) was my favorite. I don't really even want it anymore. The reason? It's fake food. It's made out of sugar. Everything is these days. The only thing about this is that it requires you to get up and make real food, I thought I was too lazy, and I was. But when you learn how to cook, it all becomes worth it, especially when you like what you see in the mirror. Maybe this new way of eating will work for you like it did for me, try looking into it a bit, it's really quite fascinating. Most of what you need to do can be online and you don't even have to buy the books b/c the concepts are so simple. What could you lose, other than weight?

  4. Blogger Amy | 6:41 AM |  

    I've tried looking around online & was unable to track down the "points pies" from Weight Watchers. You should be able to pick up the handout in a meeting. I think they have the structure you're looking for, the "Eat half a grapefruit for breakfast with a glass of skim milk and one slice of whole wheat toast, no butter" and crap like that.

    Really they're better than that, but I've never ben comfortable with that much structure, so I feel forced to mock it.

    Also good: on the Bootcamp Buddies messageboards people frequently post "what I ate today", and skimming through that might give you some ideas. exampleI thought this was an awesome entry (after going through a week of Peanut Buter and Banana sandwiches on high fiber multi-grain bread) and read it aloud for my boyfriend. God you crack me up! I found your blog after Mo @ mopie.com linked to you.

  5. Blogger Katy | 8:24 PM |  

    If I could, I would live on peanut butter on a toasted english muffin. Oh my God..

  6. Blogger anne | 4:29 PM |  

    Oh! Amy - thank you so much for the leads! Those are great ideas and excellent links.

    And Sara - the number of points you get depends on your weight range. I get 26 points.

    Also, for those of you who enjoy peanut butter on toast? Add a banana, because that is pure and transcendent joy right there in your mouth. Much better than Toast Soup.

  7. Blogger Zara | 12:09 PM |  

    BWAAAAH HA HA HA!! I swear to GOD, I just peed my pants! I thought I was the only one who noticed that Oprah had a HUGE melon!?! I love her, don't get me wrong, but I can't help but become mesmerized by the bulbousness of her cranium. At one point, I was convinced that there was robotic machinery in there that controlled her every move - that she was some "Weird Science" creation brought to life by network executives. But you know what? Now I'm jealous of her big head. If I had a head that big, my body would look proportionately thinner. Thinner body is good. I wonder if a sombero would do the trick? If not, at least I could hide under it or have fun doing a Mexican Hat Dance around it. Hey, a new cardio workout!
    BTW - Just found your blog. Love it! Keep it up!

  8. Blogger myadultlife | 10:50 AM |  

    I love peanut butter and jelly. I hate Oprah's big-ass head.

    I love reading your blog. Hello, I am fat, too.

  9. Anonymous Anonymous | 3:22 AM |  

    Your a fat ass

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