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hello i am fat

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with the ow and the sobbing

Only this morning did I muster the energy to scoop up the wads of tissues that lie scattered around the apartment like dandelions on a beautiful grassy field, and other metaphors that make you forget that these are nasty, snotty tissues I'm talking about, here.

Only this morning was I able to stand up in the shower and lean my head against the wall and moan piteously, rather than sit on the floor of the tub with my head on my knees and the shower beating against my neck while I moaned piteously.

Only last night was I able to sleep more than an hour at a time, and I didn't have any of those awful "oh my god, I'm suffocating!" dreams that I have whenever I score myself a rotten head cold.

However, my nose is still chapped and painful and red, my tongue is dry because of all the awesome mouthbreathing I've been doing, my ears still feel as if they are stuffed with wadded up balls of sticky cheese (or beautiful fat and fluffy bunnies, if you'd prefer a metaphor that doesn't make you think about sinuses and mucus), and I want to just die already and obviously, I still haven't gotten over feeling sorry for myself.

And what the fuck is up with all this sneezing?

So obviously I haven't been to the gym in a week or so. And that's okay, because it's not like I've been eating or anything. But I cannot get over how awful I feel – not just this hideous head cold which is worse than any head cold I've ever or anyone ever else in the whole history of head colds has ever had and I am not exaggerating because I feel sorry for myself because I totally don't – but how sluggish I feel, and sploogy and splorky and gross.

That could be because it appears that all of my living cells have been replaced with little balls of cold goo, but I think it's also because my metabolism has slowed down so much it is going backwards, and everything I put in my body is staying there and can I take a nap, now? Just a little one? I'll just rest my eyes and – okay, fine.

I am actually looking forward to eating food that isn't like, toast (with butter! For lubrication) or soup, or toast with a side of soup, or toast soup, and I am looking forward to being back in the gym. Sort of. Because I have a feeling that a week away means my level of fitness is not going to be a pretty sight.

In the meantime, I will just lie here until the crows come and peck out the jelly of my eyeballs, thanks.

  1. Blogger stephanie | 1:59 PM |  

    You poor bugger. I wondered what happened to you. It sounds horrifying. But surely the ipod comforts you as you lie on your bed of cast off hankies?

    Start slow at the gym, and it'll all come back to you. And that sluggish, sploogy, splorky and gross feeling...guh. It'll be gone. And there will be much rejoicing.

  2. Blogger Lisa | 4:16 PM |  

    Was wondering where you'd disappeared to. Thought maybe you'd run off with George or somethin'.

    Hope you're feeling much better soon :)

  3. Blogger annalisa | 6:15 AM |  

    Ugh. Anne, you sound like you have it WAY worse than I do. I'm so sorry. I know though - Tea, toast, soup, repeat. I can't eat anymore soup! Hope you start to feel better soon. And look at the gym this way, while it may be hard at first, you can still get your time in by doing other stuff that isn't as strenuous, like if you normally run for 30 minutes and it's too much, run for 20 then walk for 30. Boring, but at least you won't die on the treadmill. Because that would be like, way embarrassing. ;)

  4. Blogger Ms Gigglepuss | 8:33 AM |  

    Awww, sorry to hear you've succumbed to the ick going around lately. Luckily, you'll recover and you and George can merrily go back to the gym!!

    Wishing you a quick recovery before the crows find their way into your room!!

  5. Blogger canknitian | 9:44 AM |  

    Glad to hear that you're alive and feeling a little better. Take good care of yourself.

  6. Blogger Meredith | 8:23 PM |  

    You gave me your cold. Thanks. Now how about that recipe for Toast Soup?


  7. Blogger anne | 2:40 PM |  

    Aw, thanks everyone. You boost my spirits. I am feeling much better. So much better, that the idea of toast soup is a very unpleasant one.

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