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hello i am fat

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progress report

It’s been a week and a half on the Sad and Lonely meal plan, and I am happy to cautiously, delicately, quietly say in a voice just above a whisper that I think it is working, and then duck beneath a table waiting for the Fat Bomb to drop.

I stopped following the meal plan to the letter the day they wanted me to put more goddamn cottage cheese on something else – I think it was a plate of cottage cheese – and I started to get all analytical about it. I said “well, they are encouraging the consumption of good milk proteins. Ben and Jerry’s for breakfast it is!”

It isn’t. But it’s yogurt or whole wheat toast or egg whites, and fruits for desserts, and staying away from sugars, and allowing good fats, and eating when I’m hungry, and using the Sad and Lonely plan for jumping off points that Guy mostly has been the one jumping off of. There was this tortilla thing they wanted me to do with cheese and, uh, stuff? And he, using all the proscribed ingredients, made it indescribably delicious.

“Diet food rules!” I shouted. He eyed me doubtfully and took another bite of his chorizo quesadilla, and as the juice ran down his chin, I killed him with my fork and ate his heart. Dipped in guacamole.

The first week, I lost eight pounds and that’s all water weight, for shizzle and other things like that. But I am happy and eating okay and exercising, even, despite the stupid faux elliptical thing I climbed on this morning almost fucking taking a leg off, and I’m looking forward to seeing how things go this week, and then eating someone’s heart to celebrate.

  1. Blogger Kris | 12:31 PM |  

    Hi there! I'm a new reader. I followed a link from "Scale and Perspective." This entry really cracked me up. I love your sense of humor and your writing style and I'm looking forward to reading more!

  2. Anonymous Anonymous | 8:21 PM |  

    It's FO' shizzle, sweetie.

    If ya gonna go gansta, yo.

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