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hello i am fat

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keep on keeping on

It amazes me, the way once you decide to do something, magically you can do it. You can decide to hit the check out now! button on zappos dot com and find yourself with a brand new pair of very shiny boots the next day.

Or decide to cram an entire chocolate chip cookie into your face and find yourself feeling slightly sick and filled with undirected hate (except you know exactly where that hate is directed, and ooh it burns) or bitter resignation.

Or you can pour yourself a bowl of Kashi Go Lean and slice a banana and pour some vanilla soy milk over the whole deal, and declare it Good and Filling. And then you've found yourself on a road that is Good and Filling, and you weigh yourself three times a day because Kashi Go Lean can't lie. I have Gone Lean. Where's the Leaness, people?

You can also find yourself losing patience, but then decide that maybe what you've really lost is your mind.

So I've been at it for two days, and I feel different and good, but what difference does two days make, really, in the grand scheme of things. Enough of a difference, for now, I think. But I keep waiting for someone to notice the glow of righteousness and goodness that surrounds me. I want someone to come bounding up to me, telling me "I just had to shake your hand, because I noticed that you are just super awesome!" I want to be sainted. Maybe not.

I have not yet done an appreciable amount of formal exercise, though every time I walk anywhere or take the stairs, I am very proud of myself. As if I have been previously roaming the world in a fatty cart instead of, you know, walking or taking the stairs every day. But it's the consciousness of it, that I think is important. Being aware that movement and moving is something I need to keep doing -- and being aware that it's something I have to keep pushing it.

One thing I will say about these past few months of backsliding, is that I never abandoned the habit I picked up, back when I was good at this weight loss thing (having an anxiety disorder is super-helpful in that regard) of taking the bus that left me a fifteen minute uphill walk to work. Even though the downhill walk on my way home could hardly be called a chore, I am still proud of every goddamn morning and every goddamn evening spent waddling that stupid hill. Maybe someday I'll jog it! That was a funny joke I made up.

Anyway, I think I can keep on with the keeping on. And maybe settle down with the weighing in. And maybe have a bowl of Kashi for dinner.

  1. Anonymous Incredible Shrinking Blogger | 9:39 PM |  

    Well, I will tell you that you're super awesome! :-) Your great sense of humor and upbeat attitude are inspiring me to keep on keeping on!

  2. Blogger Lisa | 6:57 AM |  

    I would have to agree with shrinking up there. You write wonderfully. You should publish this blog make a ton of money and hire a personal trainer!!

    Seriously, it is a great read, and fat or not, you sound like a wonderful person!

  3. Anonymous Anonymous | 12:28 PM |  

    *shakes saint-like (and suprisingly lean) hand*

    Good on ya girl :)


  4. Blogger Nancy | 4:55 AM |  

    Maybe someday I'll jog it!

    You laugh- but I wrote the very sme thing about the 1.25-mile running track by my office in November of 2004. Last week I jogged around it 4 times.

    The impossible becomes not only possible but ordinary!! It really can happen.

  5. Anonymous FB | 3:09 PM |  

    "I just had to shake your hand, because I noticed that you are just super awesome!"

    I am going through the same thing, in fact have my own blog dedicated to my own ramblings and self pity, you are not alone!

    So many blogs out there just detailing too much of what they ate and the exercise they did and not enough the feelings, emotions that got them there in the first place!

    I look forward to reading your blog and invite you to check out mine, at fatblogger.net! Good Luck!

  6. Blogger Nichole | 12:11 PM |  

    Doesn't it just piss you off when no one notices your "glow of righteousness."

  7. Blogger zuzula | 9:46 AM |  

    You go girl! You certainly are super awesome. Bet you look slimmer already :)

  8. Blogger stephanie | 7:25 AM |  

    Hey! Where are you? How is it going? With the leanness and all that?

  9. Anonymous Nightsinge | 7:07 PM |  

    I've just discovered you--You are indeed awesome. Not only do you speak my mind (every dark, dank corner of it) but you make it funny. The whole journey is a pain in the ass (and other parts not used to moving) but dammit, if we can't laugh we are indeed sunk.

    Thank you thank you. Rock on.

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