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hello i am fat

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not exactly 53 pounds

Here at the end of week one, I am not sad at all that I did not, in fact, lose 54 imaginary pounds, because instead I lost 3.4 real live ones. That is a victory, and to celebrate, I am drinking skim milk. With an oreo garnish. Because victory, man!

The one thing that got me through Weight Watchers the last time was what we officially labeled Cheat Night – though Cheat Night might not be, psychologically speaking, the best thing to call it. But that's the name that stuck, and that's what it will always be.

Cheat Night ruled. Cheat Night was the Night to End all Nights. The very next Cheat Night was something we were planning for, even while we were in the midst of the current Cheat Night, my friend Al and I.

McDonalds saved our sanity, and Ben & Jerry's saved our metabolism, and when we Cheat Nighted, we lost weight regularly and like clockwork. Well, he lost way more weight than I did, because he sucks and he cheated with liposuction and illegal pills and some other thing having to do with having a man's metabolism or whatever, but it worked.

You are severely cutting down your calories all week – allowing one day a week to go up out of your stinking Calorie Budget and splurge (what an awful word "splurge" is, aesthetically and in every way. Jeeze.), you keep your body from going into starvation mode. That is Science.

Well, that is Something I Made Up, really, but it seems logical, and makes sense, and this oreo in my mouth, as I type? It's making me happy. It was like a gift in the middle of general grimness, a way to relax after a week of excessive fright – everything you put in your mouth scares you, when you're on a diet, or a meal plan, or trying to lose weight. You're always wondering if this is going to be the thing that fucks you up, sends you weight rocketing, ruins everything. Cheat Night is a night to stop considering that, and to enjoy food.

So this week is going to be one night of indulgence, and the rest of the week Planning. I've Lean Cuisines in the freezer at work, and a sack full of yogurts. I've got skim milk in the fridge, and baggies of Kashi lined up to drop in my bag in the morning, next to the banana. All I've got to do is figure out some kind of satisfying mid-afternoon snack that won't have me considering licking the vending machine window and gazing tearfully at the snickers bars, and I will be so good to go, you don't even know, man.

And I also really need to think about exercising. I've got a lot of goofy videos that should not particularly kill me, and there is where I've got to start, if I ever want to kick my own ass again and enjoy it. I am really looking forward to killing myself softly – Guy reminded me last night of how much I was loving going to the gym and tearing up the elliptical, and how much happier I was, in general. And by god, he's right. I miss that feeling. That is what I'm working towards.

That, and Cheat Nights.

  1. Blogger Jackie | 8:18 PM |  

    Well, congrats on your actual loss. I should have read your archives. I'm working on that one now. I know how you feel with the vending machine. I give all of my change, everyday, to this little homeless dude outside my work. That way, I don't put it in the machine to buy corn-nuts.

  2. Blogger Cindy | 5:03 AM |  

    I am also doing Weight Watchers. My big weakness is chocolate. I have found that Jello® has a sugar free chocolate pudding cup that is only 1 point and actually tastes good. I tried the Hunts® version and it makes me feel like - this must be what lotion tastes like. When the salty, crunchy mood hits I have dill pickles on hand.

  3. Anonymous tszuj | 9:41 AM |  

    Body for Life calls this a free day (a little less guilt-inducing than cheat/splurge, but basically the same thing). refeed and enjoy. i find it makes following a "healthy eating lifestyle" possible, knowing that one day a week, i can have that chocolate. i just have to wait.

    healthy afternoon snacks: cottage cheese and pineapple (very diety sounding, but yummy), Luna bar (they have new flavors!), celery and carrots with a bit of peanut butter, high-protein/low fat yogurt and peaches, hard boiled egg and air popped popcorn, protein smoothie, banana and pnut butter. the list goes on. interested to hear what you come up with. and, love your writing.

  4. Anonymous Annalisa | 12:31 PM |  

    Congratulations, Anne. FWIW, look up the Wendy (Wendi?) plan. It's a way of alternating your point days (low one day, high another). Interesting. I know a lot of people who have lost on it.

  5. Blogger Ana | 12:54 PM |  

    I call it "free night" as well. My biggest problems come when "free night" becomes "free day" which becomes "free weekend" which becomes, "These pants fit last week."

  6. Anonymous Jennifer | 9:06 PM |  

    I love Cheat Night. In fact, I love it so much that my diet is now approximately 6 nights of Cheat Night with 1 night of diet. But I'm very good on diet night.

    Could that be why I'm not hitting my weight loss goals? Nah.

    Best of luck.

  7. Blogger Lady_Blue | 8:34 AM |  

    cheat nights.....know them well.

    I'm a Weight Watchers veternal myself. My cheat nights constituted a Chicken Kebab and Chips. In England, thats about as close to heaven as you can get (well my WW heaven!)

    As for blowing it one night in the week and then being good for the rest of it, the science works! I consistently lost every single week that I had my cheat night. I've now lost over 56lbs, and counting. I wouldn't be where I am if it weren't for Cheat Night. Mines Tuesday...only one more day to go....

  8. Blogger kate | 9:07 AM |  

    Congrats on the weight loss! FYI: I am addicted to Skinny Cow Fat Free Fudge Pops. They are awesome and only 100 calories. I have one for dessert every night and don't feel like I'm breaking my diet. You should try them. :)

  9. Blogger anne | 12:58 PM |  

    Thank you for the snack ideas, guys! They are excellent, and I will try puddings and pickles and pineapples and pops and so on. But not all at once.

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