something even more bizarre and inexplicable

Hi! Hello. There have been things. Things that are Things, even. There's been my mother staying with me for an exhausting amount of time, and school work and work-work and my brain not working and all sorts of manner of stuff happening. You know. The usual.

As is usual, I stopped thinking about my fucking pants and eating good things and moving, and concentrated more on keeping on keeping on, and sometimes, hanging on by the skin of my teeth, and sometimes pure and simple survival. Which is, occasionally, less pure and not quite as simple as you'd think it was.

Also, I ate dark chocolate peanut m&ms, but just once.

My mental and emotional state is never quite as stable as I would optimally like it to be, but sometimes I go swerving down into the dark and ugly and I would laugh at my self for being so pathetic if you know, I wasn't so mired in very tragic despair. Tragic.

Things in general, however, have been bettering up in a lot of ways for the past couple of weeks. I have been working on school projects with great gusto and enthusiasm which is unusual for me, and I've gotten some Feedback that has kicked my ass with its awesomeness. I got a raise at work. Guy has been uniformly wonderful across the board and back again, as per usual. And my mom went home.

And recently I have discovered the winning of an award which is pretty cool and involves an all-expenses paid trip to put me on panels and have me leading workshop discussions and speaking in front of large groups of people, all of whom are going to be thinking "boy, she's fat."

So that's shaken me out of my physical lethargy (along with the tiny meltdown I had last weekend over the wearing of a dress to a party which made me look like a big paisley meatball – the dress, I mean, not the party. The party did not make me look anything but slightly tipsy) and I went to a weight watchers meeting this afternoon to discover that I am Captain Weighs A Lot. A Lotta Lot. Five pounds heavier than my heaviest weight ever! Woo! I rule.

So it starts again. This time, I have a goal. I wish to lose some pounds before the conference in October. Let's call that five months. Let the amount of weight I would like to lose equal 30. Let's pretend that's reasonable, for now. And let me not give up this time, please.

Ahoy.

This entry was posted by anne, on Tuesday, June 07, 2005. You can leave your response.