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hello i am fat

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The day before Thanksgiving, I weighed in, and lost a comparatively disappointing three pounds, which adds up to a not very disappointing 19 pounds total all together, which continues to be a big number, especially for three whole weeks, but not feel like a very big number at all.

Then I went to Thanksgiving dinner, and luckily, the turkey turned out poorly, so I was able to avoid putting my head inside it and eating my way out, but the side dishes were tasty, and I ate bits of those, and some cheese and crackers, and drank rather more than I should have (wine is good! champagne, it goes to your head! whiskey, I missed you) and did not feel too full at all, though I did not like having all that alcohol. Well, that's a lie. Of course I loved all that alcohol. I just didn't like that I had drank it, and it had been so easy to hold out my glass again.

But I would walk on the beach, and it would be okay! Strolling totally counteracts the effects of calories on the ass. Except that our cooking adventures sort of went awry, so that we didn't sit down until pretty late, and the walk on the beach didn't so much happen.

After a long day of cooking and drinking and cheese noshing, I didn't actually manage to eat that much dessert, either – not even of my big beautiful chocolate cake which takes several pounds of bittersweet chocolate and a lot of love - and to make up for it, Guy brought me a slice in bed the next morning, along with a cup of coffee with real live sugar in it. Oh, sugar.

So I started the day with cake, and continued it at lunchtime with pizza, and polished it off with a dinner full of Chinese food and a dessert of the leftover chocolate from my cake-baking adventure, and I looked at the detritus and it was not good, and I did not feel so great. Which was a shock! and I was, as you can imagine, totally stunned.

I avoided the scale very hard, but I imagined I could feel my pants constricting, wrapping around my waist and beginning to creep up my torso, where it would take a flying leap and wind itself around my neck and strangle me. And the headline will read "Fat Lady Killed By Stupid Pants."

Stupid pants.

Then I got up the next morning and said okay, fine, and I weighed myself, and my pants lied, because I had only gained two pounds. But – two pounds. Two pounds suck.

And so – here is where the faint strains of triumphant music begin to softly swell – I put pants on and I made a damn shake and I walked down to the pier, where I bought flowers. And that is about a mile and a half, rock on.

And then I went back home, and had a goddamn shake, and went back out and walked most of the way to my eyebrow grooming appointment, and that was close to two miles and then I went home and furiously did not eat any food except science food, and then today I walked to work which is a little under two miles and I have furiously only eaten science food and I will be damned if I have continued to keep these two pounds, or any of the friends of the two pounds who can kiss my fat ass goodbye. Ask me how I feel next week, though, when I go to Chicago for the weekend.

  1. Blogger The Troescher Team | 8:57 AM |  

    Omigod, it is so incredibly hard to go back to fasting once you have broken out the way you did (which is one of the reasons against ever breaking out). Congratulations on your determination -- it is really quite remarkable.

  2. Anonymous Marste | 9:09 AM |  

    YAAAAY for you! I did not go back to eating healthy food after Thanksgiving so quickly, due to my stunning lack of willpower. :P Congratulations on your self-discipline!!! I'm a little jealous . . . ;)


  3. Blogger Mamato2boys | 10:43 AM |  

    You did outstanding!!! Those lbs will be gone quickly with a whole group of friends!
    smiles :)

  4. Blogger tl | 4:21 PM |  

    You are sooo funny! Do you mind if I link your blog site to mine? I love your site!

  5. Blogger anne | 4:30 PM |  

    Oh, sure, of course. No need to ask. And thanks!

    Thanks, too, everyone, for the rah rahs, which are so much appreciated. I will look at your comments every time I am tempted to eat a ham instead of a shake, and I will be cured.

  6. Anonymous Jonathan | 11:18 AM |  

    19 pounds is huge! I hope you didn't have a pound rebound like I did.

    How do you feel two weeks later? :)

  7. Blogger bartholomew_napalm | 3:37 PM |  

    "And the headline will read "Fat Lady Killed By Stupid Pants."

    Stupid pants."

    bwah! I sort of love you. If I'm ever magically turned into a man (or, I guess, a lesbian...) will you marry me? ;oD

    I admire you doing the shake thing. I so cannot do that. Well. No. I can do that for ONE day. heh. Then I eat a whole loaf of bread, giggle, and go to sleep. What? Why are you looking at me like that? Toast is awesome. Shut up.... ;oD

    I should start a weight... thing... blog. But since I'm dieting and exercising but not actually weighing myself, I guess the whole "track my progress" thing would just be a lie. ;oD good luck staying on the wagon!!!

    Sometimes... don't you just want to light The Wagon on fire and DANCE DANCE DANCE on the ashes? ;oD

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