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hello i am fat

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three weeks. counting.

It's been three weeks, now. I have officially lost 16 pounds, and tomorrow, I find out what my third week total is.

16 pounds seems like kind of a miracle. Most of the time, I don't feel appreciably different, or changed, but then I notice that my jeans are fitting me again, not leaving behind furrows along my waist when I peel them off at the end of the day, or I look in the mirror and see that my neck is less puffy, when a friend tells me that she can tell that my face is thinner.

And when I think about it – 16 pounds is a lot of pounds. That's several babies, or a ham, or several babies sitting on a ham, perched on a bucket of chicken and juggling pool balls. 16 pounds is a significant amount of weight, and something to be proud about – sometimes it is easy to just focus on my little pre-set meals of depressing science, and sometimes it takes a lot of goddamn discipline, to continue to "eat" this way, to smile and lie politely that you are not at all hungry but thank you for offering a taste of your delicious pecan pie.

But most of the time, it is a little depressing that a number of babies worth of weight is such a drop in the bucket for me. 16 pounds on most people is super-significant, and changes the entire shape of their body. On me, it's a little face poofiness and some jeans. Then, I get impatient. Okay, 16 pounds isn't enough. When do I get to 30, and 50, and 75? Why is this taking so fucking long? I thought this was a fucking miracle diet of the future! Where is science when I need it? Damn you, science. I best wake up Giselle tomorrow morning, or you'll be hearing from my lawyer.

So it's going quickly, and it's not going quickly enough, and days when I think that I will lie down and die if I have to eat another goddamn meal out of a little white packet are days that never end, and days in which the months loom up, dark and forbidding and studded with chocolate chips, streams of molten gravy pouring down and pooling into whirlpools of hate that form faces which wail "turn back! turn back! Super size your extra value meal!" and then I cry and cry and cry at the thought, and drink another stupid shake and try not to think about how long I'll be drinking stupid shakes, those are the longest days of all.

This has all made me long like a crazy person for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has never, ironically, been my favorite holiday. It's very nice to get together with people and share a meal and give thanks and put your face in a pie, but turkey and its accompanying gang members have never been my thing, because I do have a little discernment when it comes to food, you know. I'm not a whore. Just maybe a little loose and at the ready when Dr. Drakes and his Army of Cakes comes to town.

Yet waiting for this Thanksgiving is going to kill me. In conjunction with my doctor, we have approved a brief removal of myself from the plan and a moderate consumption of Thanksgiving foods, provided I do smart things like eat moderately and not put my face in a pie. But ha, I have her fooled there – I am making a cake! Which I am totally putting my face into.

No, I know. I don't want to have a gallbladder fit, or a heart attack, or die from chocolate overload, which actually sounds kind of nice, but I have too many Christmas presents yet to make, so no dying for me. I am thinking about it kind of obsessively, what I'm going to do. Trying to go in with a plan and a determination – small tastes of things, small plate, one glass of wine, no, thank you to seconds, a walk on the beach after we eat. Staying in control. God help me.

If it is a thing that you celebrate, Happy Thanksgiving! And if not, have a lovely weekend.

  1. Blogger Audchild | 1:44 PM |  

    I can't imagine how tough it must be. For what it's worth, I'm thankful for this blog and the chance to share in your "adventure" (It reminds me I'm not alone as I struggle to reduce the amount of "me" there is).

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  2. Blogger PastaQueen | 2:00 PM |  

    I'm in the process of losing quite a bit of weight myself and I understand how daunting it seems when you realize it's going to take a year or two to get where you want to be.

    When I get down about it, I just tell myself that in two years I'm going to be two years older whether I like it or not. (That or dead, I guess.) You can't stop time. You can however chose what you do in those next two years.

  3. Blogger Mamato2boys | 3:36 PM |  

    Good luck with Thanksgiving and control. I am doing a liquid diet and food currently scares the shit out of me. Idon't know that I can say anything to make you feel better BUT I can say that I know how you feel. I have 4 weeks complete and am on my 5th. I have lost over 22 lbs and can barely feel it. I guess I can give you hope that you are normal? Or we are both nutts, lol

  4. Anonymous Anonymous | 6:57 AM |  

    I think happy, encouraging thoughts about you on this journey.

    I just love your writing and am loving the updates. You crack me up.

    Good luck!

  5. Anonymous Anonymous | 1:07 PM |  

    Several babies and a ham! HA!

    You're my inspiration to keep at it. My friends and I are doing our own version of Celebrity Fit Club, and in the four weeks since we've started I've gained two pounds. So when I'm feeling like a cipher for not taking up my co-worker on her offer to go for lunchtime walks, I log on here, get a laugh and inspired. So, yay for your posts!

    Teri

  6. Anonymous Anonymous | 10:35 AM |  

    Hang in there!! It is rough during the holidays, but you have come too far to give up, and 16 pounds is a lot you should be so proud of yourself! I am proud of you!!

  7. Anonymous Anonymous | 11:55 AM |  

    Wow! You're such a ROCKSTAR. Keep up the fantastic work. 16lbs=two bowling balls.

  8. Blogger ms ralph | 10:05 PM |  

    I know it doesn't seem like a lot when you look at the BIG #, but 16 pounds is tremendous! Try to keep your chin up.

  9. Blogger Cath | 1:39 PM |  

    If I can ask, what liquid diet are you using? Are you allowed to say?

  10. Blogger anne | 3:24 PM |  

    I don't think it is a secret I am supposed to keep - it's optifast.

  11. Blogger thealphafry | 3:31 PM |  

    16 lbs. is great..congratulations. Healthy weight loss is gradual and does take a great deal of patience, but keep it up.

  12. Blogger Holly | 4:32 PM |  

    i had a terrible nightmare the other night. however, in hindsight, it's amusing.

    i had gastric bypass surgery, so i can't eat much at a time. just bits of this and that, up to maybe a cup... cup and a half at a time.

    anyway, my dream

    i was at a family gathering and there was some wonderful food that i was eating. just a few bites, but it was luscious and wonderful and sinful and decadent but i thought.. well.. i can only have a few teaspoonfuls, i can't be doing too much damage..

    until i look at the package and it's like 300 calories a tbsp and i FREAK OUT. and when i step on the scale i've gained every pound that i've lost in the last 6 months.

    i was crying in my dream, and woke up sweating and sobbing.

    whew.

  13. Anonymous Herbalife Las Vegas | 11:30 PM |  

    I hope you start blogging again, I like this blog.

  14. Blogger Klerk_06 | 7:22 AM |  

    http://vkontakte.ru/reg2178970

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