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hello i am fat

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wagons

Here is a secret: if I stop writing here for months at a time, it probably means that I am dead. Either dead, or have fallen off the wagon so spectacularly, and with such an earth-rattling thud, that I wish I were dead, because a life in which eating Twinkies is the only way to cure pain is no life at all.

So I’m not dead. Logic leads you to believe the thing about the earth-rattling and the wishing I were dead, and logic is your friend, my friend. It was – well, I’m not going to say it was stupid to try and go on a diet around Christmas and before big trips in which eating will be a central feature, because it could have worked if I were a different kind of person.

But I am not that person, and it didn’t work, and I sat down and dangled one foot out the back, and then dangled the other foot out, and let my feet sort of drag along the road as the wagon laboriously trudged up mount not fat no more, and then suddenly, the wagon was miles away and then vanished in the distance and there I was, rolling around naked in a puddle of chocolate, and I must have just slipped, woops.

Yeah, woops, my pants don’t fit and I feel like hell! Don’t I feel like a silly asshole!

Logic, our old friend, tells us that I could have gone right back into the diet and the health and the things directly after the holidays with food in were over, but I kept pushing it forward a bit – there was a party coming up, or a lunch, or a dinner, or a thing, and I’ll start right after, and it was a story that is familiar in all kinds of ways, most of them in that place in your stomach where you feel kind of sick and sort of sad, where knots go to die.

My most recent excuse, and the reason I had pasta with mushroom sauce for lunch this afternoon, is that we are going to the Fancy Food Show and how can I be a no-eating Optifast loser when there is free cheese to be had? Free delicious cheese! And, I hear, underpants. Why they’re giving away underpants at a food sho – oh. Wait. Never mind. Ew. I mean, probably not really, but ew anyway. Thanks, brain!

It is funny how the further I push away the starting date, the more I start to slip. At first it was just plain old not doing Optifast, but eating okay. Then it was eating less okay. Then it was eating so un-okay that I was getting sugar rushes at 9:30 in the morning, and that is not bright. And then it was so the most un-okay that I started to get a little horrified at myself.

No one with any respect for themselves should eat the way I’ve been eating.

Excuse me. I need to write that again.

No one, with any respect for themselves, should eat the way I’ve been eating.

It is hilarious to me that I am so astounded by this revelation. It is hilarious that as astounded and touched as I am by this brand-new way of thinking, I know that I am still not going to restart my diet until after the fancy food show. Does cheese have that great a hold on me? It is a mystery.

Well, not really.

The difference may be that while I was half-heartedly thinking I could sort of maybe restart perhaps after the show, could be, with the likelihood of me finding some other reason to push it off one more time at or near about 100 percent, I am pretty sure I will manage to do something bright like actually go through with it this time. Restart, stick to, cut the shit, show some respect like a grownup woman with an irreplaceable body and plenty-replaceable kit kats that do not have to be all eaten at once because they’re not going anywhere, okay?

Okay.

So you know that if I don’t write again for several or nine months, I should be ashamed of myself. Please feel free to be ashamed of me too.

  1. Anonymous Beth | 7:02 AM |  

    Been there, done that! I had exactly the same experience after Thanskgiving. What you describe is so common, it drives me insane. I've been lucky this year, 'cause each time I've gone off the wagon, I've gotten sick. But I sure would like to figure out either a way to stay on the damned wagon or else be able to hop right back on.

    Anyways, thanks for being so honest. And don't beat yourself up. Those of us who eat like this have a problem that our current medical establishment just doesn't understand well. So we're unfortunately the folks who are having to figure out what works for us on our own. It sucks, but it isn't a personal flaw!

  2. Anonymous kate | 12:25 PM |  

    You are a really good writer. I enjoy reading your posts so much. Having said that I have done EXACTLY the same thing over the holiday break. And yeah it's almost the end of January and I am still craving loads of chocolate after my really healthy salad for lunch!

    Damn I wish you could just turn those craving and devouring food buttons off as easily as you can turn them on. Good luck, I hope we both have the success we KNOW we can!

  3. Blogger Her Grace | 6:11 PM |  

    I love the image of the wagon going up off over the hill while you wallow in a puddle of chocolate.

    I've been there.

    I'm glad you're back, I've been checking in often to see if you really existed at all. I'm glad you do.

  4. Anonymous Mary Garden | 9:15 PM |  

    I just found your site through Big Fat Blog - - - oh...I had tears rolling down my face after reading this entry! The scene of the wagon setting off up mt. fat no more could have been directed by Cecil B. DeMille.

    Also, thanks for putting the fat girl predicament so eloquently in your post about the title, "hello, I am fat." We are living through particularly hideous era for fat people right now. Sometimes, I wish I had the super power to instantaneously add 100 lbs to anyone who says "all you have to do is eat less and exercise more!" or "Fat is unhealthy!"

    Anyway, thanks. I will definitely be back.

    xo MG

  5. Anonymous Anonymous | 11:37 AM |  

    i freakin' love your blog. thanks for coming back & saving me from sure demise at the hands of boredom & weightloss platitudes.

    -j

  6. Blogger ms ralph | 2:25 PM |  

    I must reiterate what someone else said, You are an amazing writer. I am glad you are back, and I hope to stay. I am one of those people that love Christmas because it gives me a perfect excuse to eat what I want. Sad, but true.

  7. Anonymous Anonymous | 6:32 PM |  

    Hello I am fan. Oops, I mean A fan. Of your writing and of your blog. I've been checking regularly for an update-- glad to finally find one. And this entry is just... wow. It spoke Volumes, and dang if I can't relate to just about every word....

  8. Anonymous Anonymous | 7:06 PM |  

    So glad you're back! I really enjoy your writing, and have missed it over the past few months. I know it's frustrating, but don't be too hard on yourself -- you're not alone in the struggle, trust me. Thanks for putting words to the feelings of the rest of us. --Sheila

  9. Blogger JessiferSeabs | 7:02 AM |  

    At the risk of sounding repetitive, you are SUCH a good writer and ever-so-entertaining, I was so excited to see that you'd posted because I check here every day...

    You've hit something really spectacular with the "respect" issue. I found that the only way I was able to successfully lose weight (after so many failed attempts, my God, i can't even count that high), was to have a complete parameter shift about weight loss. I stay away from words like discipline, motivation, willpower, and focus on words like health, benefit, gift... I think of this as something I"m doing FOR myself, not something I have to force myself to do. Eating healthily has become just the way I live now. That doesn't mean I don't occasionally fall face first into a plate of french fries, but usually these days I'm able to pull myself out of them half way through, rather than asking for seconds.

    Change your vocab, change your way of thinking about this. You DO deserve it, because really, it's about health (well, and wearing cute clothes, but more importantly about health).

  10. Blogger WifeMomChocoholic | 1:51 PM |  

    How could we possibly be ashamed of you? We've been exactly there many, many times.

  11. Blogger Megan | 5:22 PM |  

    The comment above mine says exactly what I was thinking. Really, we can't judge you because we've all been in the same (or at least a similar) boat. Luckily, we weren't all in that boat at the same time, otherwise it surely would have sunk.

  12. Anonymous Anonymous | 5:35 PM |  

    Oh. My. God!

    You're alive!!! I'm so happy!!!

    ...

    And yet I feel like saying:

    Where the hell were you?! We were worried *sick*! What if you were dead? Or too famous and busy to post for us ever again?!

    For shame!

    But seriously, it's so good to have you back. You should have never felt ashamed to post about what was going on, we all go through it--Fat or thin. The wild rebels of cheesecake or the die hard Diet Bible Thumping fanatics. There's just something magical and horribly lingering about the holidays. Like Oompa Loompa nightmares.

    Remember, no matter what, we still love you! As long as you're healthy and writing something fantastic and rolling around in chocolate puddles, we're all happy!

    With that, I leave you with my secret for weight loss: look for low fat or non-fat versions of your delightful treats that taste good: You'll spend so much time looking for them you'll have forgotten why you were at the supermarket at all, and you'll probably burn approximately 30,000 calories wandering around for so long. Bring water.

    As a billion people said already, keep writing--you rock.

  13. Anonymous littlem | 4:23 AM |  

    She's back! Yes!!!!

    The Sisyphean imagery is priceless, no doubt. I have finally learned that the New Year doesn't REALLY start dietwise until the last week of January.

    What helps me is if I turn up my nose and sniff at the Kit-Kats (because, as you say, THEY are all around - think scarcity) and say "hmph - chemical trash" but help myself to any and all free gourmet cheese (and wine) free of guilt. Then I don't eat too much because I'm enjoying it so much.

    Free cheese. Mmmmmm.

  14. Anonymous yoyogirl | 6:20 AM |  

    I wish that I had something as witty to say about your post, or something so wise, that it would immediatly impel you (and every other reader of course) to grab onto the back of the wagon and throw yourself up over the side, fasten yourself to it and permanantly stay there, but sadly, I can only nod my head from the same wagonless state and sigh and whine about not even wanting to be ON that particular wagon.

  15. Blogger sozzled | 1:40 PM |  

    oh, Honey, do I know that feeling. Today I lasted until 9:30am, a new all time fast falling off of the wagon. Hopped on at 8am and off before 10! All for a piece of key lime pie. sigh.

    Thanks for writing what I have trouble putting into words.

  16. Anonymous Erin | 1:19 PM |  

    Anne, sweetie, surely the Fancy Food Show is over and done with? How are things going? How are you?

    Whatever - WHATEVER - is going on with you, we love you and want to hear all about it.

  17. Anonymous Anonymous | 7:55 PM |  

    We love you!

  18. Anonymous Angela | 11:22 AM |  

    You know, I have read and re-read your latest post, and this may sound a bit odd but somehow it all makes me feel better, I guess just to know someone else is as miserable as I am? When I feel really low, I come back and read it again and I always leave feeling better. Maybe thats your true calling, a counselor or motivational speaker, lol.......it gives me strength.

  19. Blogger thealphafry | 7:20 PM |  

    isn't it funny how your 'suffering', so to say, is other's pleasure/entertainment because you write so well? keep up the good content.. but remember what makes you feel icky afterwards probably isn't that great for you.. so eating healthier will probably make you feel better.. logic says.

  20. Blogger Brandi | 12:27 PM |  

    I made the same dumb mistake to try and start a diet right before the holidays. I just freakin love food. And not the leafy green no taste kind of food. I love the pastas and breads and cheese...oh I too love the cheese. The problem with dieting is that it's all about depraving yourself. I don't eat 10 cheeseburgers at a sitting, yet I've got an ass the size of Montana. I'm not saying I'm giving up on looking and feeling better, but I just don't have the frickin motivation to make it work right now. So i completely understand your frustration and depression. I too feel like I've fell off the wagon.

  21. Blogger randomfatgirl | 8:30 AM |  

    Wow this post is freakin amazing!! I just hope I can remember what you said..."No one, with any respect for themselves, should eat the way I’ve been eating." Gosh I need to have that tatooed to my forehead...

  22. Blogger The Fat Girl | 6:42 PM |  

    Okay, I have never posted a comment on your blog before, but I read it all the damn time, and I check for entries regularly (I too am a too-infrequent blogger), and so I've read this one over and over, and I don't know if you know that it radiates shame and self-hatred, but it does. And every time I read it, it makes me sad and thoughtful, and I think about all the women who are clearly smart and fantastic and who just cannot stop thinking about what they eat and don't eat, the pants they can't wear, the sizes of their asses. I was in treatment for an eating disorder; I know a lot of these women. I don't have a solution or anything, I just want to tell you that I get such a strong feeling from this post. It's moving. Not in a good way, really. I wish it didn't exist. I don't know why food is about shame and fear and need for so many of us. I don't know why this is like the hardest thing ever to practice self-examination about. I guess I really just want to tell you that I hope you are being kind and respectful to yourself, which I think maybe includes not berating yourself on the internet. I'm sorry if I've overstepped my bounds.

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