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hello i am fat

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I knew it before I got on the scale – I felt it in my clothes, and in my body, and I had been avoiding stepping up for exactly that reason – I was not interested in the concrete evidence. It's the same reason that sometimes, it takes me right up to the due date to pay a bill – I know what's in my checking account, to the penny, but sometimes, I just don't want to look at that balance, and watch myself deduct from that balance, because the numbers, they're not the prettiest numbers you're ever going to see. Working in academia, it doesn't pay the Big Dollars. Eating Snickers, though – it makes for the big ass.

And I knew that, and so the number I saw, when I jumped up there, naked, first thing in the morning, was not entirely a surprise, but it still wasn't, as you can imagine, pleasant. It was actually deeply, deeply unpleasant. So was kicking the scale with a bare foot. Because ow.

Ow all around, really.

But it's finally real. All this diet planning, exercise thinking about, grocery shopping stuff was playacting, because I really didn't know what kind of shape I was in, and I really hadn't realized how bad it had gotten. It wasn't real, that sense that I have to buckle down.

I'm buckling down, now. I hope this is the last time I get to say that. I hope that future setbacks – because there's always a future setback – will be temporary, minor, easily recoverable from. I hope that I don't ever have to see that number, ever again.

  1. Blogger YP | 1:46 PM |  

    I hope you get back on track soon, but don't let setbacks get you down, there are more important things than a few numbers on a scale.

  2. Blogger mo pie | 4:15 PM |  

    Getting on the scale is fucking hard, when you know you've gained weight. I haven't been on a scale in ages! So there's your first victory, right there.

  3. Blogger Kerri | 5:17 PM |  

    I'm with Mo. You stepped on the damn thing, and that's a gigantic step to take. The numbers can keep you on track, but don't let them becoming Everything, either. I am too fucking obsessed with the numbers sometimes. Losing weight is just hard. period. But we've all got what it takes to get it done, when we're ready.

  4. Anonymous Ann | 5:29 PM |  

    Just wanted to say that I really love your tell-it-like it is attitude. Your blog is so honest. It makes me feel like I'm not the only one who struggles: that perfection is not mandatory to lose weight. Thank you.

  5. Anonymous Jennifer | 7:53 PM |  

    Ooooh man, I've been there. Like, uhh, on Monday. That's the worst feeling. Best of luck!

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