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hello i am fat

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irreversible steps

Already, I'm imagining how I am going to be, a year from now, and I haven't even totally decided that that's what I want to do, take such a major, irreversible step, I haven't gone to a consultation appointment -- I haven't even made up my mind if I'm going to that appointment. But I am thinking about how, a year from now, I will fit into Guy's sweatshirts, on a rainy, miserable day like this, without feeling like a crazed sausage, be able to walk up the hill from the bus without wanting to cry, be able to get the tattoo on my shoulder that won't look ridiculous on such a fat arm, be able to --

Fill in the blank here, with your own secret wish. You can fill in the blank with your own vision of how things will be when the weight is finally gone, and for good – you know exactly what it is I'm talking about, those overwhelmingly hopeful feelings you get, when you start again, when you think that this time, you've found a solution, and it is the solution, and you are proud and happy and confident.

I am not so proud and happy and confident, and I haven't even made the decision yet, but I can't stop having the fantasy.

Yesterday, I stumbled on this website, for a type of weight loss surgery I had never heard of. Weight loss surgery, to me, sounds like giving up, and dangerous and frightening, and dumping. It sounded like life-long deprivation and scariness and risks I would never dream of taking.

This surgery, the duodenal switch, is apparently different. I will let you read about the specifics yourself, but the basic breakdown is that it seems to be the most long-term successful of all the types of surgery, with the fewest side effects. I spent all day reading about, hours and hours researching, fascinated, and intrigued, and increasingly interested and at the end of the day, when I closed the browser, I thought holy shit, I want to do this.

Holy shit, what is wrong with me?

It looks like the easy solution I have cried about wanting, the problem-solving magic technique that I have begged for, in the middle of an hours-long session of self-loathing and self-pity and misery, after a day of clothing shopping or another failed day of a diet or one of those awful, startling moments when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a photo or a shop window and realize what it is you really look like, and are reminded why it is you find it so easy to forget, and hard to remember why any one loves you, looking the way you do.

It looks like the easy solution, and so I am deeply suspicious, and fully cognizant of the drawbacks, which sound awful, the fact that it is major surgery and involves intense pain and dead-serious risk and danger and dangerous, painful recovery and money, a whole lot of money, and the fact that I want it and I wish for it with all my heart even while I remain completely, totally unsure, and a little bit ashamed – surgery versus will power and strength, it seems to me.

I am ashamed to be so lacking, to feel like I could use such drastic help. I could use such drastic help. Do I need such drastic help? I don't know.

But I made a consultation appointment - just a consultation - with a surgeon in my city who has a very good reputation, and I will go to the support meeting, and I suppose, by next week, I will know for sure.

And if you have any experience with weight loss surgery, good or bad, will let me know in the comments, please? Thanks.

  1. Anonymous Angela | 12:49 PM |  

    Yes dear, I have experience with weight loss surgery, not a drastic type procedure and one that is totally reversible, and totally effective! It is call lap-band or laparoscopic adjustable banding, my success has been going from a size 22/24 to a size 10, going from the weight of 289 to 169 and staying here for over two years. Yes there is more weight to lose but I am not in a race, I am in a lifestyle change, something that is permanent so I will eventually get there. I have to make good choices, but the band helps me not overeat, in fact it helps me not be ravenously hungry too so the binging is kept in check. Please check out the lap band before you do the slice and dice. Other weight loss surgeries work, but are not reversible. There is also the possibility of death, but thats possible anyway, lol.
    I read you all the time and have sent you email on this topic in the past. Good luck in your decision, whatever you do is up to you, I wish you the best.

  2. Blogger H0kie Erin | 9:09 PM |  

    I went to a seminar with my mom and I would definitely get the lap-band (if my insurance would cover it). The others are for life, this one is reversable if you need it. Check into a lap-band before you make a decision.

  3. Anonymous Debbie | 8:52 AM |  

    Hi, I've never had any personal experience with weightloss surgery I'm afraid but I do have links to afew blogs by women who've had surgery. I'm pretty sure one of them has had the surgery you mentioned. I'll post the links just in case you want to drop by and have al look - hope that helps!

    (I think she had the duodenal switch!!)



  4. Blogger Kelly | 4:42 PM |  

    I have to second the comment to read about Ezpy at www.asmallertarget.com. She's a lot of fun, and is very up front about how her body has reacted to her surgery. Plus, it's fun to look at her progress pictures.

    Good luck with your decision! Or your consultations. Or your thinking optimistically. Whatever point you're at right now. :)

  5. Blogger Beth | 2:52 PM |  

    Forbes just ran an article about WLS in general and the duodenal switch specifically. See http://www.forbes.com/lifestyle/health/feeds/hscout/2006/03/22/hscout531646.html

  6. Blogger Penny_Nickel | 6:32 AM |  

    Yes. I admit I've been tempted by the concept of WLS myself, but sigh, I don't know. It just seems so... radical. Well, for me anyway (because I tend to be the medically conservative, 'crunchy' type) -- still I certainly hold no ill will for those who decide to go through any of the various available surgeries. But I've since heard of the 'gastric pacemaker', a new method of WLS, (http://www.1is2fat.com/gastric_pacemaker_could_help_wei.htm) and I'm hoping to perhaps hold out for that. It's in clinical trials right now I believe, and it just sounds overall more, shall we say, 'gentle'? (even compared to the lap-band, which has its' share of risks (slippage, erosion, et al)...). In any event, good luck to you -- whatever your decision.

  7. Blogger Penny_Nickel | 6:35 AM |  

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  8. Blogger Penny_Nickel | 6:38 AM |  

    Let's try that link again (looks like you'll have to copy and paste it together):


  9. Blogger Amy | 11:00 AM |  

    And another technique that I didn't see mentioned in the comments yet: the inflated balloon in the stomach:


    Available in Europe, is in the stomach for only 6 months ata a time, and patients lose ~30 pounds in that time. It's the less effective treatment, but completely reversible. It leaves little room for food, so the patient eats less, loses weight.

    My only concern would be stretching the stomach through continued overeating, could the stomach burst, etc. Probably not an option for binge eaters.

  10. Anonymous littlem | 10:25 PM |  

    Disclaimer: I am like Penny_Nickel and tend to be crunchy.

    If you come here to see us in NYC, apparently at Lenox Hill hospital (77th street on the East Side) they have one of the best sets of departments in the world for the surgery. They did Al Rokjer's.

    OTOH, there is an article in New York Metro about adjustments, and risks. I will try to find it for you.

    OTOH - now having given myself three hands - one of the things the surgeons tend NOT to mention is that sometimes, people DO gain ALL the weight back. (Kind of like when the doctors would prescribe antidepressants for people who were overweight and depressed about the societal discrimination they receive, the antidepressants cause unexplained weight gain. Doh! Needless to say, doctors tend to hate to see me coming.)

    Additionally, apparently you have to be a certain percentage over your "recommended weight" for them to even consider it (although I hear those requirements are shifting). IMO it's worth inquiring about w/your insurance company.

  11. Blogger Hey! Fat Girl! | 6:28 PM |  

    I can't ever get any type of WLS because I'm scared to death about it all. I hate doctors and hospitals and the like. Plus, I'd never be able to afford it. But if you want it, I think you shoud do it. I'm not one to judge.

  12. Blogger Sally Rand | 12:58 PM |  


    I had gastric bypass surgery on 12-13-05. I've had some pretty decent success. my blog url is:


    Feel free to email me if you think I can be of any help.



  13. Blogger Jen, Former Fat One | 1:25 PM |  

    I had laproscopic RNY surgery on 8/26/05. You can check out my experiences with at on my blog: www.hotfat4sale.com. Definitely start at the beginning of the archive.

    I don't regret one second myd ecision to have the surgery. The results have been beyond compare and I've had no complications. Write if you have any questions!

  14. Blogger Tel | 11:53 AM |  

    I'm in love with you and your blog. I've only read this post and I'm already thinking I've met my soulmate!

    I think WLS is for cheaters. Although it sounds so tempting, the real, slow, right way is do-able! Plus, do you really want to be put under the knife?

    My vote is doing it the slow, healthy way is much more rewarding in the end.

  15. Anonymous Annalisa | 2:26 PM |  

    I know I'll get slammed for this, but Anne... holy shit. This is serious.

    Maybe it's time to start focusing on why you are having problems sticking with things like WW and Opti-fast instead of focusing on your eating itself. I.E, see a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, and maybe join Overeaters Anonymous. You may still want the surgery, but from reading your posts, it seems like there are much bigger issues at play here and maybe getting some help would be a less drastic step than having a medical procedure done.

    I know it's not as simple as "stop eating stuff that is bad for you and cowboy the fuck up," which is a lot of what I hear in regard to weight issues, but at some point, you have to be able to gain control of what you eat, whether you have the surgery or not.

    Hang in there. This must be terribly upsetting and difficult. I hope you are doing okay.

  16. Blogger Blue Lue | 7:17 AM |  

    I can relate, relate, relate to the inclination (could never go through with the surgery though. Just couldn't).

    Here's wishing you the best in your decision making process, whatever you decide.

  17. Anonymous John Blodgett | 2:58 PM |  

    How goes the decision-making process? I didn't have weightloss surgery, but I did have a tummy tuck last fall, about 19 years after losing 100 pounds. It was a lot of money, and it got rid of some excess skin that just wasn't ever going to get better. No regrets. As far as weightloss surgery is concerned, I never gave it a thought, probably because I was so young at the time. But my inclination is to think, if there is anything you can try that hasn't worked before, try it before having surgery, or try something old and make it new. But that's just my opinion. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. I know from my pwn experience that losing weight is not as easy as many folks would like to think, and I can certainly understand the desire to do what it takes to ease the pain.

  18. Anonymous Anonymous | 3:17 PM |  

    The suspense is killing me! I keep checking in, hoping you've posted. What did you decide?


  19. Anonymous Sharon | 12:16 PM |  

    Hi there, I found you via Ezpy, and just had to chime in that I do have had a duodenal switch. It took me three years of decision making. And twenty years of failed dieting. Each person needs to come to their own conclusion. Good luck in whatever you decide.
    My blog:

  20. Anonymous Fatty McGee | 9:37 PM |  

    Your post was like reading something I just wrote. Scary. I too made an appointment to meet with a surgeon regarding the DS. I have some friends and family who are not supportive, but in the end it's a very very personal decision, and I can't care what anyone else thinks.

    I am really excited!

  21. Anonymous Terry in NC | 2:38 PM |  

    I love my DS. I had it just over a year ago. Tonight I'm meeting my DS peeps at a support group here in North Carolina. Please consider the DS as you research weight-loss surgery, but be aware that most doctors don't do the DS and are terribly misinformed about it. Most bariatric doctors will try very hard to talk you into a lapband or RNY. Most doctors really don't know about the DS, and even bariatric doctors will tend to give you incredible misinformation about it. I am completely biased that this is a better surgery for many people.

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    Who knows where to download XRumer 5.0 Palladium?
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