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hello i am fat

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alive. also, kicking

It is amazing how the numbers look so different, on the way down instead of heading up into super terrifying morbid obesity land. 257 is a number to rejoice in, not a number that makes me scared and depressed and feeling like I am failing and a failure. 257 used to be 6 pounds over my third highest weight ever, a number I never thought I'd get heavier than. It is also 14 pounds away from second highest weight ever, a number that made me cry a lot.

It is also exactly 60 pounds lighter than my highest weight ever, the number that made me realize my body was broken, and made me consider weight loss surgery, which is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I have lost 60 pounds so far, and it has been a goddamn struggle every single day. I have hurt in a thousand different ways, from gas and dizziness and weakness and cramps and awesome things like problematic bowel movements. Never in my life did I think I would have problematic bowel movements, or that they'd be the things that made me lie on the floor of the bathroom and kind of vaguely want to die. This has been hard.

It has also made me stupid, forgetful, a crybaby, grumpy, angry, peevish, furious and forgetful.

Vitamins suck, protein sucks, protein shakes suck, exercise sucks, water tastes weird, I hate everything and I want to just stop. I want it all to stop.

The struggle took up most of every breathing moment for the first two weeks, and daily, it's become a smaller and smaller part of the day. For almost an hour, I felt good, and then two hours, and three, and four, and now those hours are in a row, and now there are more of them in a row. Daily, I am surprised when I realize I've hit another snag, and I am reminded that this isn't as easy as it looks and I can't become complacent, and ow, it hurts, oh ow, ow ow. But it gets better and I get better, and here I am, two months later, having lost 60 pounds and looking forward to things getting best.

I'm going to write, as I have time, about the past two months, from the bowel prep to the hospital and the surgery itself, to recovery to now. I want to record these things while I still remember, mostly (since I really am getting stupider every day), and because I think it is helpful and important and because I want to relieve every disgusting moment of it in Technicolor detail, of course. But mostly because it is helpful and important.

Thanks, again – I feel like I am always saying thanks – to everyone who checked in on me and wrote emails and commented and thought about me. It is, as always, immensely appreciated.

  1. Blogger tina | 8:31 PM |  

    I can't wait to read everything you tell us. You're an inspiration, and we're all pulling for you.

  2. Anonymous Anonymous | 10:39 PM |  

    Hey! I checked your blog today and you updated today! I should go buy a lottery ticket!

    Seriously, though, I'm glad things are going OK, and I look forward to reading the whole story.

  3. Blogger NicoleW | 4:06 PM |  

    Congrats with your progress so far!

    I look forward to reading about the surgery, preferably while I'm already sprawled on the sofa; I am such a horrible wimp that even reading about this stuff can make me get woozy.

  4. Anonymous Angela | 5:21 PM |  

    Oh Anne,
    I do read your blog regularly, well when you have finally come back and actually written something to read, or I may just reread something from the past, but what it sounds like to me is that this is not pretty, not easy and your having a really hard time. I think sometimes gastric bypass patients dont come clean about the consequences of having this surgery because they are so elated with the weight loss. Thanks for your honesty. I am not putting this surgery down, as I have had weight loss surgery myself, but I opted for the Gastric Adjustable Band, and don't suffer any side effects. I wish you the best, stay strong and try to focus on your health, getting better and getting stronger. I think this will come with time. Take care, Angela

  5. Anonymous Anonymous | 7:17 PM |  

    Damn you! why won't you post more often? i want to punch that 1920s tennis lady in the face every time i visit here and there is no post!!

  6. Blogger *S* | 11:59 AM |  

    Congrats on your good loss! I've been struggling with the nausea which is no fun, but fortunately for most DS'ers, it isn't usually a problem nearly 3 mos. out. Keep up the good work!

  7. Blogger Thefashionistique | 10:12 AM |  

    Anne, I am happy to finally hear from you! It is nice to fidn out that you are doing OK. Cheers. Ozlem

  8. Anonymous Anonymous | 3:33 PM |  

    My surgery is tomorrow. I just want to let you know, I've loved reading your blog.

  9. Anonymous Anonymous | 6:41 PM |  

    I'm so glad to see that you're alive and feeling up to posting again, Anne! I've missed you.

  10. Anonymous ezpy | 4:25 PM |  

    I'm so glad to see you again Anne!

    It is hard... I remember being in bed in the morning and thinking "Oh f*ck, I have to get up and start eating and drinking again." As everyone said, it was a lot better at 3 months and even better at 6.

    But hey, a month is a long time. Hang in there and let me know if there's anything I can do to help. You've been in my thoughts a lot lately.

  11. Blogger Megan | 8:41 AM |  

    Congrats on the weight loss! Funny how our interpretation of a number is completely relative to where we are and where we've been.

    I look forward to reading the details of it all. Not many people talk about that, so it would be greatly beneficial for others to get to hear the full story. You've been so honest already; I'm certain your words will continue to teach those who read them.

  12. Blogger Melli | 6:31 PM |  

    Well, it's great to see at last that you ARE alive! And keep on kickin'! Kicking is good exercise! ;) I'm looking forward to hearing about your journey! And... you and I have BOTH lost 60 pounds -- but it took me 10 months! By next month you'll be waaaaaaaaay past me! (hope that helps!)

  13. Anonymous littlem | 9:17 PM |  

    Happy New Year! So glad to see you're back!!!

    Now forgetful is one thing (every mom I know claims it's built into the prefrontal cortex as a condition of labor and childbirth) but why would you, a brilliant writer, think she is getting stupider and stupider? Don't go all dystopian on us, now. We are your faithful readers and must have posts!


  14. Blogger Bitter Betty | 4:31 PM |  

    I've checked in here a million times. Glad you're back and look foward to reading about your journey. And the poop stories. I love a good poop story.

  15. Blogger BigAssBelle | 4:16 PM |  

    isn't it amazing that 257 can be hotter than hell on the way down, and so massively obese i'm hanging my head on the way up.

    it is a head thing, definitely. 60 gone, yea for you. hotter than hell it is, i'm sure.

  16. Blogger V'ron | 7:27 AM |  

    You're back! I just noticed!

    Oy, you know what this post reminds me of? Its like what they tell you postpartum, that you'll totally forget everything about childbirth and those first couple of months because if you remembered it, you would NEVER, I tell you NEVER, consent to going through it ever again and the whole human race would shrivel up and die.

    You've been so honest from the get go (which is why your blog is good, something about honesty making good reading), that I am pretty much of the opinion that this process isn't easy for ANYBODY-- this all gets swept under the rug as some kind of "Oh, once you have the surgery, well, yeah, there's *issues* but its all downhill from here, honeys!" Yeah, just like childbirth.

  17. Blogger Medical Supply | 2:00 PM |  

    So easy to put on and so hard to get it off! Those that stick with it through the tough times are rewarded later.

    Medical Supply

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