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hello i am fat

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before

We took pictures of me last night, front back and side, the way you are supposed to for your very important Record of Weight Loss, and let me tell you something – there is no fucking way I look like that. No way. That is not how I look inside my head. Oh god, I can't believe that's how I look outside my head. You're beautiful, Guy says, and then I kill him dead because for someone in his condition, it is a cruelty to let him go on.

It is kind of horrible, this mound of flesh I have suddenly become (with a pimply chin. why has my skin gone all to hell(er)?) but I am not entirely in despair, because it will not be for long, it will not be for long, it will not be for very much longer. I am exercising every day – every morning, I do a video called "Walk Away the Pounds!" because I am a dork! And two! And three! And walk! And hate! And walk! And hate! And walk! Into! Your house! And kill! Leslie! Fucking! Sansone! You stupid! Fucking! Whore! And walk! And two! And three!

Also I am doing weight watchers, and I have not had candy in like, three weeks? Four weeks? MANY GODDAMN WEEKS. And I am doing well and proud and getting further away from those photos, but not nearly fast enough to make me happy. I wonder if anything will ever make me happy. We'll see.

In the meantime, I also have to register for the hospital, find a way into San Jose (which is the easy part) and find a way home after surgery (which is the part that will suck), find a hotel room, find time to go to the "pre op class" that the hospital has which I don't understand, fill out the short term disability forms that will let me not lose a million dollars when I'm out of work, confirm with HR, confirm with my boss, stock up on the things I will need after surgery (like Hope and Faith and a gun to shoot myself in the head and also protein drinks and vitamins) and the things I need to take with me into the hospital and call the anesthesiology department about the cost of being knocked out cold, knock on wood, and make an appointment for bloodwork and an appointment to see my regular physician to talk about my bloodwork and an appointment with my surgeon to fill out the last parts of paperwork, including the paper that says yes, I know, my head could explode at any time during this surgery and it totally isn't the doctor's fault, because I shouldn't have had an exploding head in the first place, I am so dumb.

And – is that it? I don't think that's it. That's a lot, and I know there's more, and I am so scared, and so excited, and so terrified and elated and apprehensive about the surgery, and what's going to happen after the surgery, from the small things to the larger, life-changing bits. This shit is scary, and it is huge. Like my before photos.

  1. Blogger Mamato2boys | 9:44 PM |  

    Yeah, I think you summed up all the pre-op emotions pretty damn well there! The more you get out of the way now and the closer you get you will probably find a sense of calm. Mine lasted right up until about 2 days before surgery then I lost it again :)

    If it is any consilation, my skin has been great since surgery, after all the stress and icky foods were out of my system.

  2. Anonymous Anonymous | 12:02 PM |  

    Oh yes. All those pre-op appointments. Yikes! And I would have to ditch that walking video if I were you. Take it out and shoot it dead with a shotgun. It would be very pretty.

    The pre-op seminar should either be terribly boring or terribly enlightening, depending on how much you have obsessed over how much to learn about the surgery. In any case, it should affirm what you do now about the DS and hopefully give you some insight into what's going to go on.

    Pretty soon you'll be dealing with the "EEeeeeeee!" feelings and then the "Oh fuck!" feelings and the "I'm off my rocker feelings." Not to say you haven't already. It's all good. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

    As for skin, my has just upped it's newly found teenager-hood. But then again I'm only two months out. I'm told it gets better. Eventually. Hopefully?

  3. Blogger Shannon | 1:38 PM |  

    I can pick you up after the surgery! You can even pick what model of City CarShare car you want to come home in!
    Scion? Hybrid? Some other model of car I cannot think of right now?

    Seriously, even after my vacation work owes me a million hours in time off. We can talk about it tonight.

  4. Blogger Tel | 8:56 PM |  

    You'll be OK! And you'll do GREAT! Hang in there, girlie!

  5. Blogger Rivkeh | 5:16 PM |  

    Hi there, lady -

    I have been such a fan of your blog for a long time. I just checked in on you for the first time in several months and am thrilled to see where your life is taking you. One of my dearest friends is 7 months out from her WLS and is down 96 pounds. You are ON TARGET with your comments regarding the work you need to do on yourself surrounding the surgery. The mental challenge of building a new image of yourself, issues about your self-worth, the attention you will receive, the way your relationships will change (and they WILL change) - all these things will make giving up smoking & candy look like a walk in the park. You seem to have an incredible support system in place with your wonderful Guy, and you are going to come through this like a champ.

    You are smart & cool & have a wicked sense of humor, not to mention an admirable grip on the English language. These things are true no matter how you look. However, these things will not continue to be true if you are dead. So I am very happy to hear you are getting healthy so as to put off dying as long as possible. This is such good news.

    p.s.
    I also love love love to smoke & my husband REALLY loves to smoke. We haven't smoked since February, and I promise you that one day soon, you will notice how no cigarette ever felt or tasted good enough to trade how fan-freakin'-tastic you feel. So there. xoxo.

  6. Anonymous Anonymous | 7:44 AM |  

    OMG you are hilarious! I love your blog. Good luck on the surgery.

    I live in your area and was turned down for the surgery (Kaiser) because I'm too fat. Too frickin fat for obesity surgery...WTF.

    Anyway, I'm doing OA now and after 3 months I'm about ready to jump...

    I wish I could have that surgery, zits and all.

    Good luck my friend o' blog... Check in and let us know how it goes.

  7. Blogger Ona Diet | 3:38 PM |  

    "there is no fucking way I look like that. No way. That is not how I look inside my head"

    I know how you feel. I totally feel the same way. I really don't look the way I do in pictures, all cameras ar broken. And dumb. Good luck on your surgery!

  8. Anonymous Anonymous | 2:23 AM |  

    I know exactly how you feel about taking the weight loss photos. I recently took mine after losing 20kg and I posted them on my blog for all to see. I don't want to hide anymore... and I am not ashamed because I too know I will not stay that way forever and I am doing my best along with the help of WW to get as far as I can away from how I look now. I wish you all the very best in your journey and I am glad I have found your blog. Greetings from Holland, Amanda. :)

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