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hello i am fat

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Oh, holy shit. Do you know how far away my surgery date is? It is practically tomorrow. It's like, an hour and a half from now. The anesthesiologist is currently standing next to me with rolls of nickels in an athletic sock, just waiting for me to stop typing. It has not happened yet, but it will happen any second. Just seconds away! Right now! It is happening right this second, and it does not tickle, believe you me.

Or it only feels like it is happening right now, which explains the knot in my chest which is nervousness. It is actually a whole month away (fine a month AND TWO DAYS) but it feels like it is rushing headlong at me, horns down and bellowing barooooo and ready to flip me into the air and leave me sprawling. Oh, holy shit.

I am moving into the home stretch with preparing – I've got my paperwork for work, uh, paperworked and dropped off at the doctor's office, and I've ordered vitamins and I've, done, uh, stuff. Things. Very important ones. Some of them, all at once, because I am a multitasker. I am sure I am prepared, or mostly prepared. Kind of. I don't feel prepared. I feel manic and like I need to make a list and yet I've made a list but I can't really read it what with the way my eyes are rolling around inside my head, animated by the pure adrenaline being injected directly into my brain by my magic kidneys.

I'm a little crazy right now. But also – excited. So excited. I am reading forums and livejournal communities and email lists and writing down things of note and things to think about and questions to keep asking and things to remember and it is scary as hell and also really cool and I am starting to really believe that I am smart enough and tough enough to go through this, and keep doing it, and do it right, and come through with flying colors, as the kids say. I will keep multitasking with my fingers crossed, anyway.

  1. Anonymous j @ rta | 8:46 PM |  

    Hey friend -- all of this "I am starting to really believe that I am smart enough and tough enough to go through this, and keep doing it, and do it right, and come through with flying colors, as the kids say" stuff? It's all true. You can do it. You ARE doing it.

  2. Anonymous Anonymous | 12:22 PM |  

    What she said...plus, may I point out, you're blogging again? Yeah, this is nervewracking and terrifying and exciting and dread-inspiring, but you're writing, or talking, or whatever blogging "really" is. You're not down in that months-long hole of silence followed by postings of despair which (to the accompaniment of much mourning) marked efforts to achieve your goals by other means. I don't know that you could ask for a better indication that this is motion, life, change, hope, and generally the right choice. I'm not a wild fan of surgery qua surgery, but when it's the clear answer to despair, what else is there to say? So if your anesthesiologist is right there hefting that sock, I'd sit up nice and straight to make sure he gets a good hit in. Best wishes with this! Love your writing here and at BFD, too.


  3. Anonymous Jan Bridge | 7:50 PM |  

    Well . . . . it is November. . . . Are you?

    Are you going to do this???

  4. Anonymous Anonymous | 8:19 AM |  

    Good luck tomorrrow! I look forward to reading your posts when you're on the mend. :)

  5. Anonymous Lisa | 8:28 AM |  

    Best of luck, you. I am now just past seven years out, and still 100 pounds down. It was the best thing I've ever done for myself, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

  6. Blogger JM | 12:40 PM |  

    Hooray for you! You don't know me at all, but I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping with all fingers crossed that your surgery goes awesome.

  7. Blogger Melli | 8:56 AM |  

    Well, today is tomorrow, and it's ALMOST 9:30 PST -- about an hour and 45 minutes away. I am on my own weight loss thing -- non surgical - taking the long road... but I've been reading your blog just the last few months, and I really want to see you thru this thing. My hubbies Aunt had the surgery, and she lost about 140 pounds -- she feels GREAT now! So, even though you don't know me, I'm here to CHEER you on and wish you well! I'm sure the next few days will be a bit blah... but soon you will be healed and on your way! This is very exciting!!! My prayers will be with you today -- I hope it all goes smoothly. Good luck!

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