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hello i am fat

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singing the praises of pants

I have bought new pants, and they are beautiful pants which I cannot take off, because I don't have any other pants because my laundry cart fell over in my crammed-full closet of crap and is barring the door from opening more than a crack and I can peer in and look at the clothes I have heaped up on the floor in a jumbled, slightly stinking pile but I cannot actually get to any of them to wash or to wear, and it really is very difficult to be me.

But back to the pants. Which I have! My size 20-mumbles, I realized, were not sitting at my waist, but hanging down around my hips, with the crotch bagging around mid-thigh. And while that is a look that attracts sexy persons to me like very peckish bees to extremely delicious honey, the pant legs were dragging along behind me on the floor like I was some kind skater dude, and also I started the bad habit of yanking my pants up, pulling the waist band out like I was some "After" photograph in a weight loss infomercial, and demanding everyone look at me and how cool I am because MY PANTS THEY ARE SO LARGE! QUICK, STICK IN A WATERMELON!

Since I have little to no self-control, it was clear that the pants would have to go. And they did. Right on my floor! After I went to Old Navy, and looked around. I thought, well, pants are an investment. I need them to cover my butt. I can spent thirty dollars on pants. I guess. But it turns out that Old Navy has a sales rack, and on the sales rack, things were on sale, but also, they were on sale again so that means, like, double sale! Tiny amounts of dollars! As if money was falling from the sky and saying here I am, please take me!

There were no pants that were attractive, but there were jeans. And usually, I hate jeans. But I grabbed the darkest washes I could find, in many denominations and styles, and tried them on, and as I suspected, the flare/bootcut kinds made me look short and ridiculous, because I have short and ridiculous legs and where are my feet? Please help.

I thought the straight-leg cut would make me look round and ridiculous, because my short and ridiculous legs are also quite round, like hams, but lo. I am telling you, lo. I looked good. I looked really, really cute. I felt cute. They were comfortable. They were two sizes smaller than my watermelon pants. They cost, when I went to the counter, 8 dollars. If I never get my closet door open, the cost-per-wear of these things will go into negative numbers! My pants are going to owe me so much money.

  1. Anonymous Anonymous | 1:35 PM |  

    anne (i hope that is your name - i just discovered your blog and that's what other people call you),

    congratulations on the new pants. that is a miracle. pants are a real headache for those of us non-teenaged girls with non-pencil-like legs. i always find that i want to kill myself in the bathtub when i come home from trying to buy pants. or bras for that matter.

    you are VERY lucky!

    p.s. love the blog - i have a lot of catching up to do which i will do when my home computer is working and i don't have to sneak on here at the office. keep up the lovely and wise writing!

  2. Anonymous ezpy | 3:56 PM |  

    Congratulations!

    Post-DS I've also come to love the Old Navy sales racks. Can't argue with an $8 pair of slacks. :)

    Glad to see you blogging again too!

  3. Anonymous Anonymous | 7:14 AM |  

    Thank you thank you for the hilarious post which made me laugh so. Also, for giving me hope that one can find a decent pair of SOMETHING at Old Navy.

  4. Anonymous Anonymous | 11:47 AM |  

    Congrats on the new pants! Shopping is going to get FUN!

  5. Anonymous Anonymous | 4:53 PM |  

    Happy new year! I'm a lurker, but have enjoyed reading your blog. Congrats on the surgery (which seems like an odd thing to be congratulating someone on) and the weight loss! I had a Lap-RNY in August '04 (God, was it that long ago?), and it was the best decision. Ever. I was at 275 at my highest, and I'm currently at 186. I've never regretted it, and never looked back. Keep up with the great weight loss, and eating of protein (don't lose muscle!), and exercise. I've come a long way since I started to exercise seriously in Jan. '05. I'm now sort of obsessed with it because I can feel muscle where there once was flab! I look forward to your future postings!

  6. Blogger littlem | 3:50 PM |  

    OK, you know that the first Rule of Jeans is that if you find a brand and style that make you look good, you don't buy just ONE, right? :D

    Also, please tell us, if you would be so kind, what protein bars and shakes you are taking/using/consuming?

  7. Blogger NicoleW | 6:52 AM |  

    Woohoo! You are going to have SO much fun shopping now. And eight bucks for a pair of jeans rocks, especially for jeans you won't be wearing all that long.

    And even though I've got short, stubby legs, I happen to think I look pretty good in straight leg jeans too. Go figure.

  8. Blogger Felonee | 9:57 AM |  

    I can so relate to your pants buying experience! It's good to see you posting again, Anne!

  9. Blogger BethK | 8:57 AM |  

    I am crying for the joy of your new pants! Hooray for the pants! Hooray for the best way to spend 8 bucks! I say "Feh!" to the watermelon pants. They are now unworthy of your cuteness.

  10. Blogger Janice | 11:52 AM |  

    Hooray for Anne. Hooray for sales. Hooray for being able to even try on clothes in stores other than Lane Bryant!!!

    (do work on getting the closet door open, so you can prep and give away all of the watermelon clothes - to make room for the good stuff.)

    Be careful buying too many at this size - you will continue to lose for a few more months.

  11. Blogger BigAssBelle | 4:14 PM |  

    oh honey, this is hysterical and precious. i adore this. yea for you and your pants.

  12. Blogger Fiona Kator | 5:38 AM |  

    Amazing! I just posted about some jeans that I literally busted out of one day that now fit again. You're so rad!

    I'm in between sizes and I'm finding H&M and Filene's Basement helpful for filling-in while on a budget. Not sure if you've got those in your area...

  13. Blogger Zanitta | 3:40 PM |  

    Oh anne, please narrate my life.

    I have the same pile of laundry, but sadly no sales rack. I want to buy new pretty thing instead of washing my old ones.

  14. Blogger Lotta | 6:11 PM |  

    I'm catching up with your blog - but I linked to you in my recent post. You are such a great writer. Your style reminds me of dooce - but with your own voice of course.

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